Dear Toxic Behavior, I'm Breaking Up With You
Start writing a post
Health and Wellness

Dear Toxic Behavior, I'm Breaking Up With You

Toxic behaviors due to trauma in one's past are like addictions, they hurt not only us, but often those around us.

286
Dear Toxic Behavior, I'm Breaking Up With You
Celina Taylor

Breaking up with people, with things – it's something I have become increasingly skilled at as I have journeyed down the path of healing from trauma in my life.

At some point along the way, the path brought me to a point where although I may try and run to the toxic behaviors that were my survival and coping mechanisms, I no longer seem to be able to hold onto them for long. I am no longer able to convince myself that they are all that I deserve, or that they are healthy, or will make me happy in the long run.

See, this is a victory. It is a screaming at the top of my lungs, "F*ck yeah, you go Celina," victory. Because, although I sometimes allow these toxic breaks on the path to continued healing, I have never stopped healing.

I am the epitome of "pull yourself up by the bootstraps," and I deserve a damn pat on the back.

With this being said, though I have realized that healing has no "destination" and that I may be 80 someday crying on (hopefully) my husband's shoulder, because "damn it, why did I deserve to be abused," I do hope for, and have witnessed, a healing path where toxic breaks are no longer taken. It's one where although you may need a mental health day or month, you don't run to toxicity.

Toxic behaviors due to trauma in one's past are like addictions. They often hurt not only us but also kill those around us who love us and watch us run to them. Someone once told me it takes an average of seven relapses for an addict to truly stay "clean." This means for some it takes two times – awesome. And for some, it takes 14, but even that person continued down the path to healing.

To everyone who has been hurt by watching me hurt myself or was hurt because I only allowed you in as a poison of choice, I'm sorry. Here is my official break up letter with that toxic behavior.

Dear toxic behavior,

Man, you light up my f*cking sky on some nights. On those nights I feel disgusting because my body has been taken from me before, because my depression is extra debilitating, or because my ex's words creep into my head screaming that I'm stupid, you look like the most glistening hot plate of damn chocolate chip pancakes.

You look great, but I hate you. When I just want to feel loved, you creep up and offer a shell of a man, and you allow me to convince myself that if I just starve myself a little extra, or spend two hours per day in the gym, or buy those clothes I don’t have money for, that I can be enough for him to love.

You are every extreme, and damn it, I do not have time for that anymore.

You are unaffordable Plan B pills and skipping church because the next morning, I hate myself, and I let you convince me Jesus does too (He doesn't).

It was one too many drinks and dignity lost puking behind a building or the person I had felt so strong saying no to at first, but finally caved to when you presented yourself in the moments that I remember my traumatic past. It makes me think, "What if this is the only person that will ever love me?" You feel good in the moment, but you end up as a painful week of reconciliation with myself, and sometimes those around me.

You are the abusive partner that I allow back in, that I tell myself will change, that I convince myself is the only person who will ever love me. You are every man I end up having to send packing because I just want to be loved but realize I have only let in a person that is a reflection of what I must see as my self-worth when it is actually so much more.

You make me wake up with a stomach ache when I literally do not feel like eating, but I feel such a hole in my heart that I convince myself that the hole is in my stomach and gorge myself with a larger second dinner than my first. You are every glistening decision that I later regret, you are every "yes" despite my gut-wrenching feeling to say no.

Goodbye, toxic behavior, we are done. When you present yourself, I will say no, I will gain strength because you are the crackling, mesmerizing fire, that only burns me in the end. I no longer wish to be burned.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Student Life

College 101: How To Ease The Back To School Blues

Getting back into the school groove when you just can't seem to let go of summer.

4575
Beyond The States

With fall classes just beginning, many of us find ourselves struck with summer withdrawals. Especially for those who refrained from taking courses over the summer, it can be quite difficult to get back in the swing of things. Fortunately, there are various ways to help make the transition back to college as smooth as possible.

Keep Reading... Show less
Dating Apps

We Met At A Bar

Salvage what you can; if you can't, it's alright to walk away.

3899
We Met At A Bar
Anne Waldon

We met at a bar.

Keep Reading... Show less
Sports

The Mets And Me

They may be the worst sometimes, but this baseball team has given me more than I could ask for.

3358
Rich Schultz/Getty Images

On September 3rd, 2001, a sea of children littered my home's navy-carpeted den to watch baseball during my dad's 40th birthday extravaganza. A baseball game flickered on the TV, and a red and blue bubble of a scoreboard sat in the bottom right corner of the screen. The New York Mets and the Philadelphia Phillies were in a wild game at Veterans' Stadium. As I, a five-year-old boy with a jumble of curly blonde hair, sat in the back of the kid clump, I wondered which team I should root for. After a long debate with myself, I decided that I should root for the team that's winning (duh). But, as the ninth inning rolled around with the Phils maintaining a 7-5 lead, some magic occurred. The Mets put up five runs in one frame, stunning the Phillie fans in the room and winning the game 10-7.

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

Which BTS Member You Are Based On Your Star Sign

If you love BTS, I'm sure you relate to one or many of them in several ways. This star test will help you learn more about which member you are most connected to.

2616
Which BTS Member You Are Based On Your Star Sign

Astrological signs tell a lot about a person. Do you ever wonder what your BTS bias star sign is? Is it the same as yours, or or are you more like one of the other amazing members? Take a look and find out what yours (and the members of Bangtan) says about you.

Keep Reading... Show less
Relationships

Hittin' the Road Playlist

With the end of August approaching more quickly than many of us would like, the preparation for school is happening in more ways than just one.

4667
http://cdn1.theodysseyonline.com/files/2014/08/11/635433794713320635180099351_road%20trip%20playlist.jpg

The car is all packed. The money you saved (and didn't spend online) from your summer internship is secured quietly in your bank account. The immediate reunion with your long-distance college friends is set. The real question on everyone's minds is: do you have the perfect melody to jam to as you journey back to school? 

Keep Reading... Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments