I wrote this letter a week before my high school graduation. Much has changed since then. I've made more mistakes and more accomplishments. And now, as a freshman in college, I look back on this letter and smile.

Dear Dad,

I'm done with high school in a week. Can you believe that? I feel like it's all gone by really, really fast. It seemed so slow while it was happening. But bang, here we are.

Everyone around me is talking about how I "must be." About how excited I must be. I must be so ready for college. I must be sad to see this chapter end. They also say a lot of what I must not do. I must not wish it away. I must not give into my senioritis. But the truth is? Everyone seems to know what I must do, they seem to know how I feel. Everyone knows... except me.

To tell you the truth, I feel empty. I feel empty because I wish you were here. I wish you were by my side to celebrate with me. I wish you were here to pat me on the back. I wish you were here to let me curl up on your lap. I want to cry to you.

I would give anything to have one day with you. One day, to just ask the many questions I have for you. I want to see that goofy grin and hear your contagious laugh. I'd just listen to you talk. I want to hug you so badly, it isn't even funny. Have you been watching over me? Have you been proud?

I've wanted to climb the stars and see you. I've begged and cried to God to bring you home to me. I've been so low, and so down, and wondered where you were. When there was no hope, I thought about you.

Everything I've ever done in my life, I've done to please you. Every shining moment has been for you, Dad. You deserve a daughter who shines just as bright as you did. I never wanted to disappoint you, and I pray every day that I didn't. I know I've made mistakes and I know I screwed up. And I'm sorry. Everything I do is because of you. I carry you in my heart every single day.

I have so many mixed emotions about you not being here. Through all of this sadness, wishing, hoping and praying, there is anger. Anger at you, anger at God for taking my best friend, anger at myself, for feeling so mad about something I have no control over.

I'm angry because of the nights I spent outside my mom's door to hear her crying herself to sleep. Because of the way it feels to watch my grandmother purposefully go the long way home to avoid a road that holds so many painful memories for her. Because I see the way my brother avoids talking about you. Because of every single damn time I look in the mirror, I see you. My curved lips, my slight smirk, my tiny eyes. I'm pissed off because of every moment in my life you weren't here and I wanted you here because I wanted YOU by my side. YOU.

The thing is, you were SUPPOSED to be here. You were supposed to be by my side. You were supposed to help me deal with all of these demons. I'm so god damn angry. The day you were lowered into that casket was the worst day of my life. Why did you go? Why did you leave me behind to deal with this mess that they call my life? Why, Daddy?

You are the one who was supposed to teach me to play basketball. To support me when I chose volleyball over everything else. To be on the bleachers at my games. To give me advice and threaten to scare off the boys. To give away my hand in marriage. To wipe my tears when I absolutely know that I can't do it anymore, but you know that I can. To be my biggest motivator, my best friend, my savior and most importantly, my father. It was supposed to be you.

But I've come to realize after eighteen years of being without you, that I can't be so angry anymore. Everything that's happened, has happened for a reason. I have to let go of that anger and turn it into something more. I can't be so upset over something I have no control over. I have to hold you in my heart. I have to let go now.

And I realize you have always been here. You were by my side through getting two poems published, through my two heartbreaks, through my volleyball games and the funerals and my senior night and my awards ceremonies and games and practices and car rides and school days and breakdowns and happy moments and bad moments. And you'll be there. For my graduation, my wedding, the births and adoptions of my kids. You have been there and will be there for every single one. And I cannot thank you enough.

You have taught me how to live. You have been my biggest motivator. You have been my biggest blessing. You not being here has made me strong, it has made me into who I am today. I am me, because of what happened. My sense of family is stronger than ever because of all the tragedy we have been through. They are what keeps me strong, along with you. I love a billion times harder because I know loss. I am kinder because I know the next word you could speak to someone could be the last. I know to appreciate today because tomorrow may not be granted.

Thank you, Daddy. I cannot wait to see you again someday. I hope you're having an amazing time, wherever you are. I'll roll through the pearly gates and you'd best believe I'm coming straight for your arms. I love you so very much. Until we meet again.

Love always,
Your daughter