I miss you so badly that I can’t stand it.

I have dreams about you both. Every. Single. Night. I cry so hard in the dreams because I can see you again, and then you’re gone. It all seems so real, but I know it’s not. It takes everything out of me when I wake up. I can’t decide if seeing you again is a blessing from God, or if it’s just a cruel joke being played on my heart and in my mind.

I miss you, dad. I miss your humor. I miss your company. I miss our conversations. I miss feeling myself wrapped in your arms. I miss sitting on the couch with you. I miss going to the flea markets with you. I miss seeing your smile. I miss hearing your slight chuckle. I miss your smell. I miss feeling the roughness of the dry skin on your hands. Mine are like that too, so thanks for that. I miss how you were the only person in the world that could calm me down when my anxiety overwhelmed me. I miss your mustache. I miss your ball caps. I miss your button up shirts and blue jeans. I miss everything about you, but I see you in me every day. I wish you still knew me. I wish you were still here. I’m not the same person that you knew. I’m better now, because of you, and your strength. I love you more than air. I miss you. I miss you so bad.

I miss you, mom. I miss your wisdom. I miss your heart. I miss your laugh. I miss your beautiful face. I miss your scent. I miss your stylish clothes. I miss going shopping with you. I miss sitting at home with you. I miss seeing you while you read infinite amounts of books. I miss watching movies with you. I miss spending Saturdays with you. I miss sleeping beside you. I miss hearing your voice. I even miss hearing you yell at me. I miss the taste of your famous omelets. I miss seeing you in your bathrobe and house shoes. I miss watching you get ready in the morning. I miss the car rides with you. I miss being able to tell you any and everything. I miss your entire being. I am me because of who you were. You cradled me in your womb and took care of me for as long as you could. I hope you’re proud of me. I hope you can see what I’m doing and what I have become. I can only hope to be half the woman you were. I miss you. I love you more than air.

I’m a senior in high school this year, but you already know that. My heart will break when I walk across the stage at graduation. You two won’t be there. I’m alone. I’m an orphan. I never thought that I would be without parents this young. I never thought that I could feel so much pain and so deeply. I never thought that I was as strong as I am. I am strong because of who my parents were. It’s inscribed in my blood. In my genes. In my spirit. I miss you. I hope you know how much I love you.

I’m dating a real nice boy. We’ve been dating for over a year now. He reminds me a lot of you, dad. His humor and wittiness is a lot like yours. You met him once, mom. We talked with him and laughed with him that one night in the living room at our house. That was a long time ago…I didn’t know that we would be together now. He treats me well. He loves me. I love him. He saved me that one summer. He saved me when we started talking again. It was only four months after dad had died. He is still saving me. He knows how much pain I’m in, yet he stays. He listens. He cares. Most importantly, he tries to understand. He holds me when I cry. He sits in silence with me as the thought of you two run through my mind, while tears are running down my face. He holds my hand tightly when there is no one else to hold it. He knows what to say when no one else will answer me. He doesn’t understand, but he does. He carries me when I’m too weak, and he picks me up when I fall. He doesn’t fill the void of you two. I don’t need him to. God gave him to me for companionship, support, and love. I can never thank him enough for everything he does. I can never thank God enough for giving him to me. You would like him a lot, dad. I think he’s worthy of your daughter. Hopefully, you think so, too.

I’m going to college next year. Remember how I wanted to become a successful actress? I changed my mind. I’m studying psychology. I’m going to specialize in grief. I’m going to become a grief counselor. I’m going to help people who feel that same pain that I still feel. I’m going to help them get through it. I’m going to use your love to make that possible.

I’m going to live my life. I’m going to continue somehow. I’m doing my best. That’s all I can do. It’s hard without you. Things are different down here. I’m jealous of you two. You’re where I want to be. You’re happy. You’re content. You’re in the presence of God. You’re in the presence of so many wonderful souls. I just want to be wherever you are. I just want to see you again. I just want to speak to you again. I just want to feel you again. I miss you. I love you. I need you.

– Your Daughter, Claire Elizabeth Keller