From online articles to full books, you can get advice about dealing with breakups from just about anywhere; but rarely do those sources touch on friendship breakups. In my 20 years, I can't recall ever coming across how to deal with losing friends. It's just not something that's talked about, which is strange considering how important friendships are to most people.
When you think about it, losing a friend feels a lot like a breakup. Running into them is awkward, seeing them be happy without you hurts and using someone else to fill the gap they left never works. As awful as dealing with this may be, it's not the end of the world. It will absolutely feel like it, but there's always a bright side to the situation.
Now I'm no expert on human relationships. The amount of friends I've lost over the years is clear evidence of that, but I do think I've learned a thing or two about healing from the initial, "I don't want to be friends anymore." Below is a short list of the best advice I can give to those going through similar situations.
1. Delete old conversations.
Looking through past messages is never a good idea. Nine times out of ten you'll feel worse afterwards, especially if the conversations are from someone you used to be close with. Deleting them is probably the hardest part, but incredibly important for proper healing. It might take a while. Your thumb will hover over the erase button for what feels like years. And once you bite the bullet and press it, you'll feel like the one who's been shot. Logically, though, that past has nothing to do with your future. Even if you two become friends again, it'll be best to start over completely new.
2. Distance yourself.
This can mean quite a few things. Whether you interpret it as deleting/unfollowing them on social media, erasing their phone number or avoiding them in public, you should do what feels best to you. Sometimes you'll need to take extreme measures (i.e. deleting them from every aspect of your life) if the friendship was toxic. I had to do this a number of times throughout high school, and it felt refreshing afterward.
Distance also allows you to reflect on what didn't work and why. This can be nice, but be sure to not overdo it. Sometimes there isn't an answer, and that's OK, too.
3. Focus on yourself.
After a few weeks, maybe months, you may come to realize that you were the problem. This usually goes one of two ways: either you fall into spiraling depression and commit several self-destructive acts out of guilt, or you work on getting better. I suggest the latter. (And yes, I'm speaking from experience, especially in regards to the first option. Don't do that.) Even if you weren't the problem, it's always a good idea to figure out how you can better yourself as a person.
4. Don't be hostile (or petty).
Feelings of anger are completely natural. It follows the five stages of grief, but don't dwell on it for too long. This isn't about being the bigger person or anything like that. This is about sparing you from expelling unnecessary energy. Being angry all the time is absolutely exhausting. (Also speaking from experience. Again, don't do this.) So instead of subtweeting them or sharing passive aggressive posts on Facebook, vent to your friends or family.
5. Use your best judgment.
Realistically, this advice isn't going to be useful for every friendship breakup. In this case, reach out to others close to you for help. The last thing you want to do is isolate yourself from getting better. You are worthy of healing.
If you've recently lost a friend, I hope this helps you. If you haven't, then I hope you never have to use this advice. Above all, remember that relationships with others don't define you.
