It's over. In fact, it's been over for a long time.
Your phone number's been deleted, you're off of every single social media site, and all your pictures have been thrown out or put in a box with the rest of your stuff. Those that remain know not to bring you up anymore, and to those that do, they receive a simple, non-malicious response: "I don't talk to them anymore." "Things just didn't work out."
It took me awhile to get to this point, though.
The temptation to apologize for what I said was overwhelming for what felt like forever. I've never used so much self control before resisting un-blocking you on Facebook, just to see what you were up to, just to see your picture.
Just to see if you're okay.
You've stopped calling me in the middle of the night for emergencies. After knowing everything about you for so long, I now have absolutely no idea what your life consists of, and frankly, I'm glad.
Someone told me that you asked about me, though. That you want to put the pieces back together, and that maybe this can be forgiven and we can move on.
Here's why I can't do that.
You almost ruined me. I was stuck in this loop of forgiveness and hurt for so long that it was more than ridiculous. It was emotionally deteriorating, and addicting beyond compare. I was convinced it wasn't that serious, that everything I did for you was okay because I care about you, because you had potential to be the person I first befriended and that you were worth it.
I started listening to those around me, though. That's the thing about third parties - from an outside perspective, the true ugly of a relationship can be revealed, and that's exactly what happened. I realized that this wasn't something that could be fixed, that it was going nowhere, and the faith I had in you was false.
You have to believe it wasn't easy to leave. It hurt, no matter how heartless I sounded. I needed that shield to separate myself from those emotions because I had to get out. I needed to do it for myself, as well as for both of us.
While I believe in second and third AND fourth chances, this isn't one of those cases. I gave you those chances time after time. I believe that people change, but I can't trust you like that again. It's not that it's too soon, it's not that I can't handle it - it's that I refuse to be beaten down so completely again.
Maybe you have changed - maybe you regret what you did, made the adjustments that needed to be made, and just want things to go back to normal. While that's a chance, I can't take it because of the other chance that you just miss me and that this would all happen again if I went back.
I don't wish badly towards you. While we might've just been people in passing, learning from one another along the way and it didn't work out, that's no reason to hope you don't do well in life. You deserve it as much as anyone - I just don't belong by your side, and you don't belong by mine.
The future's hard to decipher. We really don't know what's going to happen to us, and maybe we'll pass each other again. Maybe things will be so different that we'll decide to try this again, and maybe this time, it will work out.
Right now, though, we're both better off this way. That's a decision that I've made and I'm sticking by it. I'm not sorry and I'm not sympathetic - I recognize what is best for my own health and well being, and this is it.
