This decision did not come easily for me at all. It brought up many memories that I would rather bury deep inside and never think about again. I want you to know that the decision to cut you out of my life did not come easily for me. I struggled for a long time trying to decide the right thing to do. Now that it has been over 2 years since we last talked, I know now that I made the right decision for myself and my happiness.
I wish that you were more involved when I was a kid. I wish that I didn’t have to beg you to play ball with me. I wish that you would have come to more of my games and wanted to be engaged with my activities growing up. You have no idea how hard it was to continually see that you did not want to have a relationship with me like most fathers would. You also made it very clear that I was never good enough. No matter what grades I brought home, no matter how well I played in sports, there was always something negative to say.
I spent a whole year trying to decide whether I could stand you being in my life or not. Within that year, I battled the most severe anxiety and depression that I have ever faced. I was tired of being controlled, manipulated, and made to feel like I was never good enough. I hated feeling like that. I don’t know if you ever realized how much you affected me mentally. You made me feel like I was not good enough for anyone, and for a while I began to believe it. I went to counseling, but only after having a huge breakdown. The counseling helped me more than I could imagine; I finally realized that this behavior is a cycle I didn’t want to be a part of anymore.
The day I decided to cut you out of my life, I cried. I cried because I was letting go. I was letting go of all of the negative things that you had said and done up until that point. After all the tears had been shed, I felt this sense of peace, and for the first time ever, I felt free. I knew that I could continue being controlled and manipulated, resulting in the negativity swallowing me up, or I could choose to live my life the way that I want to free of judgement. I want you to know that I am over it, I am over everything that has happened, and I have accepted it and moved on with my life.
It has been over 2 years since we have last talked, and I want you to know I am doing just fine without you. I am a senior in college, I work two jobs, I get good grades, and I work very hard. My anxiety is under control now and I stopped caring about what you and everyone else thinks of me. I have so many people around me who love me and support me in positive ways, many of whom are not my family, but are just as important as family. I have a wonderful boyfriend who supports me in everything that I do and I am very grateful for everything that I have. I do not want anything from you, but I want you to know that I am doing just fine without you.
