For those of you who know me, you know that I am a pretty ambitious person. I tend to have everything organized and in place. I am normally on top of everything and way ahead of schedule. My grades are extremely important to me, and I strive for perfection in this area. I absolutely hate being late for anything. I am one of those people that would rather be an hour early than one minute late. I will spend hours on one assignment to get it just right. I’m the type of student that professors turn to when they need something done.

This is the type of personality that I have developed over time. I believe that God gave me this type of personality for a reason, but I also believe that this type of personality is easy to lose control of. If you are anything like me, I hope you can get something out of this story.

I had one of the most humbling experiences this week.

I don’t pick up on hints well at all. When God is trying to tell me something, He normally has to put a sign right in front of my face, with flashing lights and loud sirens. I tend to second guess things a lot, and that is one of my greatest flaws. This week included one of those big flashy signs, but in a different way than I have experienced in the past.

I am involved in everything under the sun, or just everything that my university has to offer. I don’t know how to say no to people, so I get sucked into a lot of things. Before I know it, I am swamped with more than I can handle. Along with not knowing how to say no, I don’t know how to ask for help. I just decide to do everything on my own and make things work. The key words there are “on my own.”

This year especially I have been so consumed with doing things on my own and depending on my own strength to get things done that I have become so exhausted and beaten down. I forgot my first assignment this week, and I completely obliterated an assignment last week in the same class. This was completely out of character, but I couldn’t explain what was happening. I had no idea why things were going wrong. I’ve never had an assignment just slip my mind before.

Then today I was driving, and I decided to turn off the radio and drive in silence. I was thinking about all of the things that have happened in the past week, and all I could think about was how awful I was doing in one of my classes and how busy everything else was keeping. I was trying to figure out where I could make those points up in future assignments. I parked my car in one of the parking lots on campus, and as clear as can be God asked, “Haylee, who do you turn to for strength?” This question stopped me in my tracks.

I didn’t even know how to answer that question. I had been so consumed with getting stuff done on my own, that I forgot that I can’t make it through this life without relying on the strength of God. I had relied on my own strength to get through this semester so far and look where it’s gotten me. Nowhere.. the answer is nowhere.

I had crashed and burned this past week, but I believe that this all happened because God was trying to show me that I am only human and I fail. I can’t depend on myself because I don’t have enough knowledge, I don’t have enough understanding and I definitely don’t have enough strength.

Depending on the strength of a human is a foolish idea, and I don’t really know how far I expected to get with using my own strength. I was physically and emotionally exhausted, but I knew how I could fix this.

I had to refocus. I had to make sure that my mind was centered on God and God alone. I had to learn how to start depending on God. I had to learn how to start looking to Him for strength. I couldn’t rely on just myself anymore; I need something much more powerful than myself. The good news is that God welcomed me back with open arms. I asked for forgiveness for not relying on Him and for not turning to Him first when I felt myself sinking.

There are a couple of pieces of scripture that have helped me redirect my focus:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understand; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

-Proverbs 3:5-6

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

-Psalm 147:3

“Jesus replied, ‘you do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.’”

-John 13:7

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”

God wants nothing but the best for us, but we have to learn that it’s okay to rely on Him. We have to realize that we are a mess and broken without Him. That’s what He wants from us. He wants to be there through everything. He wants to be our source of strength. Sometimes He has to do something that we might not like to catch our attention, but it will be worth it in the end. Trust that He has your best interest, and to save yourself some time and frustration, don’t place your trust in your own strength. Place it in God’s strength.