Here's the thing. I am a very conflicted person when it comes to relationships. On one hand, I want to be in a relationship and do all the sweet, sappy couple things that couples do. But on the other, I just want to be free and on my own and not have to answer to anyone. Except for my cats.

You see, I love myself. I really do, but I have flaws just as any other normal person. I try to be honest in my writing and honest truth is that, while I do love myself, I also know that I tend to settle for less. I go after things that are less than what I deserve, that I don't truly want, in fear that they might disappear before I have the chance to enjoy any of it.

So, I have come to the conclusion that I am pretty content with being the Taylor Swift of the writing world and I'm cool with being the cat lady who has a glass of wine (or four) on a Tuesday night.

I am kidding...sorta. But you get the idea. I am 18 years old and since I turned 14, I haven't had any real length of time o myself without a boy by my side. I want to be so fiercely independent and have enough self-love for myself that I could fill an ocean with it.

I want to be so content within myself that no boy could ever break me down to the level I was at before. I want to love myself enough to walk away from a situation and know that was never right for me in the first place.

I think I am more in love with the idea of love than I actually am with anyone or anything else.

I always go looking for things that were never meant to be found by me in the first place. Usually, this happens after a breakup where I'm beginning to move on but I miss the comfort of a relationship so I go looking for another one. I tend to justify it or involve myself with this person just to cover up the underlying problem that I am scared to be alone.

So I need to be alone for a while. I never struggled with self-confidence issues, but I think there is a difference between being comfortable and actually loving yourself. I love myself, but I didn't love myself enough to know the difference between being "in love" and "being loved." I tended to mix the two up with friendships and relationships of my past. I know the difference and I know what it's like to be "in love."

I have felt it, a deep, true and great love. It was the kind of love that had you tossing and turning at 3 a.m. because of how badly you craved them and their presence. It was a kind of love that just felt right from the moment it began but hurt so bad when it ended. The pain was almost unbearable and God, I swear there were some days I felt like the world was crumbling and I along with it.

So I'm challenging myself in 2017 to just be alone and I want to challenge any person reading this who needs help finding themselves to do the same. There is no time frame or deadline. But this year I need to get back to me. I lost myself in my last relationship, and I'm collecting pieces of myself as I walk down this road of independence. I will no longer settle for an okay kind of love because I have had a great love before. And even though we burnt out, you never forget that feeling in your stomach when you know things are just right.

That is how I will know I am able to love again, when my heart is healed and my days are brighter, I will know I am ready to date again because I will have this feeling of comfort within myself and I will just know.

But until that day, I will learn to be alone. I will learn to be so unapologetically brave in every single thing that I do, to better myself for the future. I will be so consumed in self-love for myself that it radiates and attracts the type of people I crave in my life. I will say "yes" to things that scare me more and "no" to things I don't care about. And I'll mean it.

I will learn to be so happy with myself that when my heart is broken again and I'm searching for kind of hope, I have myself to look to. I will be the strength that keeps me going because, at the end of the day, you is all you got.

This is why I need to be alone. I will be alone and I will love every moment of it.

Sincerely,

A Happy Single Gal.