This is to you.
This is for the girls who believe they deserve nothing more than to give and give. The door mats walked over, stomped on again and again and still, their silence endures. Growing up you may have been quiet, shy even and yet your hopeless prayers to somehow find your voice stayed within. I don't think many people get it, they look at us and see such lovely giving people, all the while, we're trapped within the cycle of emptiness and then are forgotten. It was a time somewhere between high school and college, adulthood, and being a child--that this obsession began.
It's a lot easier to worry about everybody else and forget who you are. It's easier to fall in love with broken people, instead of stopping and learning how to love yourself. You feel like you have too. It's as though if you don't do all that you possibly can to save people, it's your fault that they couldn't be.
Your fault. Your fault. Your fault.
It replays like a constant song stuck in your head. When the one suicidal friend doesn't respond to your text at 1 am, when you see his cuts and talk to him for hours, yet you struggle to feel and are tempted to do the same thing. I need you to take your time, stop yourself from running after a girl, jumping over the cliff to catch her and meanwhile falling, falling, falling. All you want is more time, more time to talk and suggest and help. You spend all your time pouring out love, without boundaries, without rest, and you become empty.
Empty. Empty. Empty.
It's time to believe in the worthiness of saving yourself. Time to take your tired shaking hands and hold them to your heart. You can't pull everyone up when you're sinking deeper and deeper. When two people are drowning, they can't lean onto themselves in hopes of saving each other. It just doesn't work that way. That moment will happen, if it hasn't already--you'll realize the longer you try to pour out of an empty soul, the longer it takes to take back the control. I'm not saying to stop helping people; I'm just telling you that you can only really love them. The person that pulled you out of or will pull you out of trials is not anybody but yourself (and God). Sure, therapists, teachers, parents, and friends can guide you, nudge you even, but you are the one who has to do the work.
This letter is for you, the girls who were told to give everything away. It's okay to give; I know that, but don't you dare give away your happiness, too much of your time, your words that are meant for yourself. If nothing else remains, how could anything be given away? I've come to understand that you really can't save people, you can only help them as they save themselves. Please promise me to save yourself first. Please promise me that you won't feel guilty for stepping back from toxic, one-sided friendships or relationships. No matter how hard it seems, how lonely it feels to not be needed constantly by someone, life is so much better when you have your own life, to begin with. Promise me that you won't feel guilty for taking care of yourself, for falling in love with talking gently to your own psyche, for taking your own advice for once.
You don't have to save everybody. You just have to save yourself.
-Sincerely, A Girl Who Desperately Wants To Save Everyone
