To the boy who took everything from me,
I will never call you a man, you are every little bit far from it. You held me on a pedestal and then tore me down till I couldn’t even rest on my knees anymore. In the beginning of our relationship, it was everything that I could ever wish for in a boyfriend. You wanted to always spend time with me, always showed that I belonged to you in public, bought me surprise gifts and so much more. Suddenly all of that gold turned into something much darker than I thought it was.
Suddenly you were getting too jealous and we started fighting. I couldn’t hang out with my friends without you calling me and starting a fight because you thought that I was lying to you and that I was hanging out with another man. The only way to keep that from happening would be to either not hang out with them or bring you along to show you that I was telling you the truth. Then whenever you wanted to hang out with your buddies, I wasn’t allowed to come or make a deal about it because “it’s what guys do”. But I come to find out that you were lying and hanging with other girls. I made the mistake of confronting you about them, you pushed me and held me against the wall then yelled at me that it was your way of getting revenge for me “cheating” on you. I got scared but I didn’t leave you quite yet, I knew that you were under stress so I just made the excuse that you didn’t know how to channel your stress in a healthy way yet.
Next was my family, you hated it whenever I chose to hang out with them instead of you. I wouldn’t hear the end of it so I just always chose to spend time with you instead. But if I didn’t show any interest of being around you that day, you would get angry and start pushing me around and telling me to lighten up. But then later on you would say you’re sorry and that you just miss me then treat me like a princess for a little while.
Whenever we were out in public I thought it was cute how you would always hold my hand. But just like the gifts and the attention, that got dark as well. Your grip started to get tighter whenever there were other guys around and I would be making conversation with random strangers because that’s who I was, just a bubbly and outgoing girl. You always told me that I was making you feel invisible and unloved whenever I talked to random strangers and asked why I kept doing that. You always asked why people would always want to talk to me instead of you even though you were easier on the eyes than myself.
I tried standing up for myself against you… it was a mistake. Suddenly any hint of talking back or trying to get the upper hand, you would strike me and push me until I gave up and apologized. I started getting scared anytime you gave off a sense of anger whether it be because of me or just because you had a rough day. You put fear into me and that’s what you wanted, that is how you could assure that I would always do whatever you wanted me to do and that you were in control. I would make sure to do anything and everything I could to make you happy, and yet I would still apologize. I stopped talking to my friends and distanced myself from my family to make you happy, but that still didn’t make you happy enough. Everything was my fault and it got to the point where you didn’t have to say anything… I already knew. I became very shy and didn’t want to talk to anyone, I was no longer my bubbly/laughing/happy self all because I didn’t want to make you mad. I never left your side and I dared not to look at any other guys even if they were my friends because it was at the point where you would “discipline” me in public. Not as bad as you would whenever we were in the comforts of your home, but still enough to let me know that I was out of my place in the situation. Everything that I felt I did wrong, I would just apologize over and over again but sometimes that didn’t even save me.
At that point I felt like it was too late to try to leave you, and there was a small part of me that felt like I couldn’t live without you. You always said that you were sorry for your action, then showered me in gifts. For a few months you were back to the amazing boyfriend that I knew and loved in the beginning of our relationship. I didn’t think that you would go back to hurting me again because you showed just how much you loved me. You proposed to me and I said yes, we had a plan that we would get married and move away. You said that you couldn’t imagine life without me and I couldn’t imagine my life without you and that I was the perfect girl for you. If only I could have guessed what would happen next. It was a Tuesday night in December, I came home and was excited to tell you about my day. I passed all of my midterms and I had made a few more friends. But the moment when I told you about my new friends and that I got a call back for a job, I could tell that I was in trouble. You stood up from the table and yelled like you never have before, “What did I tell you about making friends with guys, I know what they are thinking whenever they meet new women. You told me that you wouldn’t befriend any other guys after last time. And when did I say that you could get a job. You know that I will give you whatever you want and that you don’t need a job. I bought the house for you and I so that we can live together and you don’t have to worry about living in the same house as your parents. You know how much you hated living there because they didn’t support you but I have been here for you in every way that I could. This is how you repay me?” Then you hit me hard enough to knock me onto the ground from my seat, paralyzed in fear I didn’t cry or try to move but I know that you could see the fear in my eyes. I apologized over and over again but that couldn’t save me from what you were going to do. You kicked me over and over again while I was on the floor even though I was screaming for you to stop. After you picked me up and hit me against the wall, I blacked out and I guess that’s when you left me alone. I woke up around midnight in so much pain, I didn’t even move. I just started crying… what did I do wrong? How can I make it right again?
The next morning whenever you left for your business trip, I called my friend Anessa to come and get me, I told her that I had fallen down the stairs and needed to go to the emergency room. Every person who came into the room asked me how this had happened. How did I break 3 ribs, bruised liver and break my cheek bone? The answer was simple… I had fallen down the stairs and that’s where I left it at. No one needed to know what you did and I didn’t want them to get suspicious because I didn’t want you getting mad again because I told someone. Unfortunately, this was the first of many times that I was hospitalized from what you did to me. It was after the fourth time that I realized I needed to get out of this relationship before I ended up in the morgue.
Leaving you wasn’t easy, it took a lot of courage, failed attempts and help from friends and authorities to finally leave you. I still didn’t always feel safe after I left you, you still tried contacting me and then one night you found me after work. You were waiting for me at my car after I was done closing up at the store for the night. I didn’t realize you were there till I was about 5 feet away, I froze in a panic. I thought “this is it; he is going to kill me. I should have never left him. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to my friends and family. What are they going to think whenever they hear the news? How can I get away fast? How can I call the police because my phone is in my car? I hope that my manager didn’t leave the store yet?” my mind was going a million miles a minute trying to plan out an escape and how to make my presence known. But it all stopped whenever you said hey. You must have known that I wasn’t going to move because you kept getting closer and talking in a soft voice. Whenever you got close enough to me that you could grab me, you did. You held my arm so tightly and muttered in a harsh and low voice, “you betrayed me, after all that I did for you. I never met someone so selfish, I only wanted what was best for you. It’s not my problem that you just kept getting yourself in trouble and causing me all of that pain. Enough pain to drive me to hurt you. Now it’s my turn.” I felt something press against the bottom of my rib cage, I didn’t need to look down to see what it was because I already knew. It wasn’t sharp enough to be a knife so there was only one other option. Thankfully a car turned into our parking lot and just stopped a few isles away from my car but the headlights shown onto your back. You put the gun away and whispered, “don’t give me another reason to come and find you. Drop the charges and you will never hear from me again” then you kissed my cheek and walked away.
It has been almost 6 months since you’ve contacted me and I am tired of living in fear. I am slowly becoming myself, I am becoming bubbly and happy again. I am slowly learning how to make conversations with strangers again without being scared that you were going to take your anger and jealousy out on me. I am making friends again, slowly but surely I am. Sometimes they think that I don’t want to talk to them or be around them because I won’t talk much if at all, but I’m determined to show them that I do want to be around them and be friends with them. Christian I am no longer your victim, I’m turning into a survivor and I am not going to run away or let you win the next time that you decide to show up.
-Kate
