Dear Guardian Angel (because I know you're mine),
I can't help but wonder what we would be doing at this exact moment. For two people who did everything together, I wonder what memories we would've made since the last time I saw you. 784 days ago, I lost you. I felt a pain inside of me, I never thought was humanly possible. I will never forget that day, the way the air smelled, the way people looked at me, the way people spoke to me, the way my heart absolutely shattered. Not a second has gone by that I don't think of you or your family. The way they must feel, I cannot imagine. I think about your mom, the bond you two shared; I think about how I barely recognize her anymore. I think about how every time she sees me, she tries to be strong, but I know she just sees you. I think about your dad, how proud he was of you and how you could do no wrong in his eyes. I think about how every time he sees me, he wishes you were there instead. I think about your sisters, the way you bickered, the way you guys laughed, the way you had each other's backs, always and forever. I think about how every time they see me, they wish you were following closely behind. I think about your brother, how old he's gotten and how proud you would've been of him. I think about how every time he sees me, he tears up just a little bit because he recognizes I'm broken too. I think of me, the memories we could have, would have, should have created. I think about how every time I look in the mirror, I see someone who lost not only a best friend but a sister. Someone who lost not only a little piece of their heart but their whole heart.
I know you are with me. I can feel your energy. I can hear your laugh. But the truth? The truth is, I miss you. I miss being the annoying, loud girls in Starbucks. I miss being the two girls in the library comparing homework answers. I miss being the best friends at work who always had a great time, even though being a waitress is no picnic. I miss being the know-it-all and the outgoing best friends. I miss going to the beach with you, just us. I miss screaming the lyrics to songs we know by heart. I miss quoting Grey's Anatomy with you. I miss everything. Since you've been gone, graduating without you was hard. I can't imagine the day I get engaged and you not being the first one I call. I can't imagine the day I marry the love of my life and you not being my Maid of Honor. I can't imagine the day I'm pregnant, not calling you and telling you first. I don't want to imagine but someday...it will be the reality and I'm not ready for that.
All I can hope is that you're looking down on me and smiling. Smiling because I did something embarrassing and you found it funny. Smiling because I did something courageous and you didn't have to convince me to do it. Smiling because I helped someone in need and you found it beautiful. Smiling because you're proud of everything I've done. I would not be the person I was in life without you. I don't know what I'm going to be in my future life without you....but I guess we will have to see.
I really hope you miss me.
The lost one