I came across a picture one day while scrolling down my twitter timeline, and it hit me like a train. "A daughter should never have to beg for a relationship with her father." Hot, piercing tears began to fill my eyes and my heart began to break in to a million pieces.

My relationship with my Dad hasn't always been the greatest, and that honestly comes from a multitude of things. It all started back when I was 11 years old. My parents made the decision to move to Texas to show me what life was truly like outside of the hustle and bustle of New York City. Granted, at 11 years old I didn't understand all of the decisions my parents had made for me, but it wasn't my job to. I remember the night we moved distinctly. Who would have ever thought that this night would ultimately change how I felt about not only my Dad, but men in general.

On February 2, 2006 my father made a promise to both my mother and I. He said "Give me six months, and I'll be down there and we would be together again as a family." What was supposed to be six months, turned into six years and my father never moved down. He would come down for visits, he would come for big occasions such as homecoming, my major dance performances, and of course holidays.

However, this did not make our house feel like a home. When my parents bought our house, it was supposed to be my dream castle. My hierarchy was supposed to consist of my Queen, my King and I was always Princess Nikki. My mom did her absolute best to try to keep our house as peaceful and happy without the noticeable gap that was missing.

My mom was a workaholic. All she did was work when we lived in the city, and becoming a suburban housewife/stay at home mom wasn't her thing. I hardly ever spent time with her growing up because she was never really around...thus making me a Daddy's girl by default. She did her absolute best though. She cooked, cleaned, kept the house organized, paid the bills and took care of me. That was exactly what my father wanted her to do. He was the main bread winner and wanted to stay that way.

Back when I was 17, I found out the most upsetting news that would ultimately break my entire family apart. My father was having an affair, and was taking care of his other woman, ultimately causing a multitude of destruction and devastation over the course of the next few years.

Knowing that my father caused such heartbreak to my mother broke me down in more ways than one. I didn't know it was possible for someone to love you for over 30 years and then wake up one more and decide that you weren't the love of their life anymore. Summer 2011, is when my life changed drastically once again. Every summer I would come home to New York and spend 3 months being a family. Dinner with my parents every night, weekend trips, and of course my birthday celebration. However, this summer was a little different. I never thought in a million years that I would say goodbye to my huge room with my large walk in closet, and king sized bed forever.

I had to move back to New York, and nobody understood why. All my friends thought it was because of me wanting to go a college in New York State...but it had nothing to do with that at all. We lost our home due to foreclosure, and I was instantly mad at Dad. Had he not been funding his new woman, we would still have our home.

Two days after my 19th birthday, my parents would separate after being together for 32 years. I was already in a tumultuous relationship myself, and it wouldn't get any better considering he was doing the same thing to me that my father did to my mother.

Approximately 3 months after that fateful day, I get a phone call stating my father was in the hospital, recovering from a car accident. He had a metal rod in his leg, pins holding his hip in place, and he would have a dramatic road of recovery ahead of him. I never imagined that I would have almost lost my father, and would have had to bury him. Prior to his accident, we had stopped speaking due to selfishness between the both of us. He kept insulting my mother, and I wasn't having it. After cursing him out and insulting his intelligence, I knew I was done with my father forever. All the things my father was supposed to teach me about men, I had to figure out on my own. My mother was too busy rehabbing herself from heartbreak, and I had no male figure to reach out to.

Now at 22, I have more complications with my relationship with my Dad. He was just recently diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure, and not only is he a diabetic, he has high blood pressure as well. I need my Dad around to see me graduate, I need him to walk me down the aisle, and most importantly I need him to have a relationship with his future grandchildren.

Here I am, writing this open letter to you...

—

Dear Daddy,

I'm not mad at you anymore. I'm not upset at the things you've done, and the things that you continue to do. I'm no longer in pain knowing that you won't change your habits in order to make our relationship work. I'm no longer begging you to do something that you truly don't want to do. It's never going to stop me from loving you, but I definitely don't care for you as a person.

However, this hasn't stopped me from loving you any differently. This hasn't stopped me from calling you to tell you about all of my accomplishments even though you don't acknowledge them as much as you should. This won't ever stop me from still running to be by your side when you hurt, or suffer from loss.

I'm not upset that you didn't teach me about sex, or how a man is always supposed make sure you're on the correct side of the street. I'm not upset about the fact that you still haven't even formally apologized to me for the mistakes that you've made that have changed my life.

I do look at you differently now as a young woman. I miss the bond we used to have when I was a kid. I would love nothing more than for us to have a better relationship. I would love to be able to call you and just tell you about how much stuff I'm going through, and how my anxiety gets effected by my constant worrying about you.

I love you with all my heart and soul. My family will forever talk down upon you and I'll forever be in your corner. I'll forever be your baby, your princess. You'll still be my King and no matter what I'll always be here for you. Don't be upset at me for not reaching out, don't be upset because I don't tell you everything that's wrong with me. I haven't found the stability to fully reach out and tell you what's going on with me. One day in my heart I know we'll be back to what we used to be. I pray for it every single day.

I love you always,

Princess Nikki