It started off innocent, a few drinks and a couple of dates was as far as it went. Then somewhere along the way he became your daily routine, your go to. You begin to fall for him, and it’s okay because you think he’s fallen for you too, only he wasn’t there to catch you.
So you stand there, unable to breathe, as he tells you the dreaded words you never thought you’d hear. And you cry and you’re stuck but finally you take a breath and you agree to it- no strings attached right? Because having him half way is better than not having him at all, because this is new and he’s scared and if there’s anyone in this world that can change his mind, it’s you, no questions asked.
Weeks go by and things are great. You open up to one another and he tells you about his past relationships that ended so terribly and the story of how he got that scar above his eyebrow, but you don’t ask many questions because you’re scared of the answers. You convince yourself that this is ok, that this is what you want, that you can handle this- only you can’t. Months fly by and you still find yourself in the same position.
Except now it’s worse, now you’ve allowed time to go by, now you’re more attached than ever. Then you hear those dreaded words again and it feels like your world is crashing down around you. And you hear them a few more times after that, while you’re begging for him to stay.
Now I bet you’re feeling confused. I bet you’re sick of mixed signals. I bet you think no one understands because no one knows him like you do. I bet you defend him to every friend that has something bad to say about him. I bet you think that he’s the one, that this is just a test and you are determined to be the one girl that stayed, to be the girl that changed everything. I bet you tell yourself this is the last time, but it never really is, is it? And you feel pathetic and not good enough and unlovable, but this is all a blessing in disguise my darling.
You see, there is some unconceived notion that there is something to be said about two people that run back to each other again and again, and that my friend is utter bullshit. There is nothing to be said about two people that continuously hurt one another over and over again except that is it toxic to your well being. I’m sure he’s great, and I’m sure he makes you laugh, and I’m sure you feel invincible when you’re next to him. I’m sure he does have feelings for you to some extent, but that’s exactly what that is, an extent, up until a certain degree. And I bet he tells you how great you look in red lipstick. And I bet he knows every curve of your smile and every crease in your hand. And I bet he looks at you with these eyes that you’ve never seen before, and I bet you think that’s love, don’t you? And I know you think that it is your job to save him, to show him how great you guys can be, but let me tell you something that someone should have told you years ago- you can’t save anyone who does not want to be saved.
The truth is this is not love. He dragged you along when he knew his future did not entail you, that is not love. You gave him everything you had and still he asked for more, that is not love. You would have crossed oceans for him, but he wouldn’t even get his feet wet for you, and that most definitely is not love. What you had was lust, and passion, and all the right words at all the wrong times, but it was never love.
What you need to do now will be the hardest part of it all, learn to let him go. Believe me when I say that you will be better for it. Yes it’ll hurt like hell and yes there will be long periods of self loathing and drunk texts and wanting him back; but one day without noticing you’ll wake up and he won’t be the first thought on your mind, and you’ll never accept having someone halfway ever again.
