I'm tired of the concerning stares. Tired of the overly positive smiles and nods and empathetic looks as though I'm a poor puppy pushed to the side of the road. I get that you're trying to help, I do, and I appreciate it, but I feel that something has to be said. Mentally ill people with depression, anxiety, personality disorder's ect. do not have to live a certain way for your convenience. Often times, discrimination, and unwelcoming attitudes for a 'different' group of people come from the inability to understand another person's side.
I don't really write this to target anyone in particular, but more so to share a general idea that I believe numerous individuals have but aren't sure how to say. My mental health has varied drastically through the years, but it hasn't been until college that I've become really open about my successes and struggles. I think I felt the disconnect first when an acquaintance of mine asked how I was doing. I couldn't exactly tell whether I could be completely honest with them or go with the usual "I'm fine, thanks". I'm not sure what happened in that scenario but from then on, I've been cautious with what to say and how to portray my mental illnesses.
It's one thing to be a support that will be there for and with me during my good AND bad days, but it's another to put a huge amount of pressure on me to get better. Constantly wondering/asking how I am improving and such only feels discouraging if, for example, I've been stagnant. I guess what I'm trying to say is that everybody has a different perception of health. I've had days where all I've done is stay in bed, eat three meals, and sleep but that would be considered a success to me. I've had days where I get out of bed, and get to all my classes and sleep on the desks and that could be a good day.
I've had days where I get through everything, but I'm using negative coping skills to do so, someone may think that I'm having a 'good day' but in reality, I'm actually having a really really bad day. Someone with anxiety who usually has four panic attacks a day but has only had one may be having a really good day, whereas if I say I had a panic attack today I may be really struggling.
Remember, you don't have to be our therapists, you don't have to keep track of us and continue to push us--especially if we aren't ready, you just have to be there. Let me live, let me live even if that means I'll be in therapy multiple times a week, even if I have to take meds, even if I can't keep a steady job, let me live. Let me live in the way I know best, with the abilities that I have for myself, with the abilities I have for my own perception of health. Let me live to my OWN expectations and please, stop with the empathetic looks--it's really starting to freak me out.
