About one out of four people, 18 or older, suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder (bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, etc.) in the United States in a given year. This translates to 80.36 million people according to the 2015 United States population census. There’s a good chance that, sometime in your life, you may start dating someone who falls under that 25 percent. I am personally dating and in love with a girl named Acacia McDowell who has bipolar disorder. It may be a scary thought initially to walk into a relationship with someone who suffers from one of these illnesses/disorders, but learning what these illnesses are is something that will help you understand and get through that initial worry. Here are six tips that helped me in the beginning and hopefully will help you.

1. Research it.

You may have a slight idea of what it may be, but it won’t hurt to learn more of what it entails. Research it; learn what it is exactly and how it commonly affects those afflicted by it. Trust me, it’ll go a long way to learn more about it, and it shows them that you care enough to go out of your way to try and understand.

In my experience, I had an idea of what bipolar disorder was, but when I started dating my girlfriend, I realized there was a lot that I didn’t know. I researched it, and came to her with what I learned and with some questions, and the fact that I put that much effort into learning about it meant the world to her.

2. Talk to them about it.

Now you know the basics of their disorder, but I guarantee you, you don’t know how it truly affects them specifically. Mental disorders affect everyone differently, so make the effort to ask them about their experience – that is, if they’re willing to talk about it right away; if not, respect that. Most of the time, it’s not something against you personally, but it’s just a sensitive topic for them. When you do talk about it, make note of what they tell you. Mental or on a notepad, just put in the effort to show you are listening and doing your best to understand this big part of their life and who they are as a person.

When I first talked to my girlfriend about it, she was very open about it. She told me experiences she had with it and how it affects her daily. Even though this wasn’t just for her bipolar disorder, I started up a note in my iPhone dedicated to things she told me and that I wanted to remember. This helped me retain some of the things she shared with me and was a great reference when I needed it.

3. Know what you can and can’t do.

One of the things you should talk about is, when they’re suffering the most, what their boundaries are. You need to know what they need from you, and, just as importantly, what they don’t need you to do. If they need you to not touch them, don’t. If they need their best friend instead of you, don’t take offense. Go and bring that person to them. It isn’t about you; it is about what they need to get through what they’re experiencing. Ask your significant other what you can do ahead of time so you don’t make it worse in the moment. It’ll make it easier for both of you if you know what to do when they need it most.

I learned that my girlfriend didn’t like to be touched when she broke down (the hard way). I am a person who likes to comfort others, and a rub on the back or touching someone’s hand was a thing I often did. So, initially, I felt powerless to do anything to help when I found out I couldn’t do that with her. However, I realized the significance of me just being there with her. Even though I felt like I was doing nothing by just sitting there, it helped her knowing she wasn’t alone through it.

4. Learn about their medication (if medicated).

Not all those who suffer from mental disorders are medicated, but, if they are, learn about it. Know what each pill does for them and when they need to take it each day. It may not seem important, but it can help out if they forget to take it or if something bad happens. Say, if one day, they are in the hospital and the doctor needs to know what they’re taking. If they can’t tell them personally, you’re prepared to inform them. Another big part of knowing their medication is knowing how it affects them if they’re not taking it. It isn’t uncommon for them to forget or run out, and you should be prepared for the changes that may bring. You should know what you can and can’t do when they are temporarily off their medication because there could be big or small changes that you need to be aware of.

I didn’t understand the significance of my girlfriend’s medications at first. At one point in the beginning, I noticed she was off for a few days, and I didn’t know why. When she came up to me all excited about getting her refills, I didn’t share in that same joy. I was more confused, if anything, as to why she was ecstatic about getting her medications back. I didn’t understand just how much they helped her function on a daily basis. I found out the reason she was off is because she ran out for a few days. Since then, there have been longer periods of times when she was unable to get her medications, and the way being off of them affected her was heartbreaking. The toll it took on her emotionally actually ended our relationship a few weeks in because she couldn’t function enough to be with me. The physical toll caused her to stay in bed because she became really sick. She distanced herself from everyone. Fast forward a month or so to when she got them again, she accidentally overdosed. Fast forward again a few months, she finally got a combination of medications that have made her stable and the best she’s ever been. It got her to a place where she felt she could be in a healthy relationship and be the girlfriend she thought I deserved, so she asked me out.

5. Make sure they understand that they are not alone.

As the title says, make it clear to them that you aren’t going anywhere. You may not fully understand or grasp what they go through, but you are always there for them if they need you. If they need to distance themselves from you and others, let them know that that is okay. Even when they need time alone, you’ll be there for them when they’re okay. It’s okay for them to not be okay; remember that.

6. Be patient.

Probably the most important thing to take away from this: be patient. It isn’t easy for them to let someone new in, so don’t force it. You need to let them do this at a speed they are comfortable with. They’re doing their best, and you need to always respect that.

**Note from Acacia McDowell**

Please, be patient with yourself, too. It isn’t easy in any way, shape, or form to let this become a part of your life. It’s okay to take time for yourself, and there is nothing wrong with doing what’s best for you. If things get to be too much, take a step back. Pushing yourself too hard too fast will only hurt the relationship—it only works if both parties are giving as much as they can, but also taking what they need. It takes time and effort but believe me, it is so worth it. I have been saved more times than I care to admit because my partner took the time to try and understand me, and loved me through the chaos that is our life together. That’s all it takes; just try.