I sit here, the day before New Year's Eve, looking at my baby book, sitting on the desk that I used to do homework on. The bulletin board above my desk is filled with awards and my senior swim poster is hung up adjacent to my desk, bringing back moments of past laughter and pride. All these memories suddenly hit me like a semi truck, and I am overcome by these sudden emotions swirling around in my head in a whirlwind of thoughts.

I feel pride, for all the hard work I put into swim, for getting good grades in high school, for making people laugh, and making people feel loved enough to write me a note or draw me a picture. And I start to think...how did this happen? How did the time fly right past me? I still remember coming home from school and having a carpool treat; a Wonderball, if we were lucky enough. What even happened to Wonderballs? I remember the feeling of leaving a victorious soccer game when I was in elementary school, having oranges in our mouths, and giggling while we made plans of sleepovers and just living in the absolute moment, nothing else plaguing our minds yet. I remembered going to my grandma's house for sleepovers, and her always reading "Beauty and the Beast" to me, scratching my back up until my snores overcame my soft breathing. I remembered my first day of high school and my graduation day. I remember parties and birthdays and sleepovers; the fights, and tears, and sadness. I remember my grandma dying and me talking to her coma-impaired body. A single tear sliding down her face, showing me she heard my goodbyes, the feeling of my hand in hers and my arms thrown around her shoulders. I remembered when I crowd surfed and cliff dived, and when I won state and got my National time standard in swimming.

I remember this all, the good and the bad, and it scares me. The memories are clear as day, and I know this sounds bizarre, but I miss my old self, the person I used to be. I have grown into who I am now, and I wouldn't change me, but I miss my past selves like I miss a lost loved one. When I make decisions in my life, I think of what I would have wanted in the past, what would have made me proud, what I would have desired. I want to make my old self proud, I owe myself that. In a way, they haunt me; it scares me as to how unpredictable the future is and whether or not I even know my own self. Am I who I was supposed to be? Am I worthy of all the work, and all the dreams that I’ve reached, or scorned for failing to meet my other dreams? But I look back with content, because without all of this, without me constantly changing, I would never be half of who I am today. I have so many flaws, it’s embarrassing. I have ADHD, anxiety, I interrupt and talk to much, I over think, and I care too much. I have trouble letting things go, but I never hold grudges. I rarely get angry, and when I do I forget the next day, yet if someone said something negative about me, I would think about it for days,sad that I let them down. I’m an old soul, overconfident, overly passionate, obsessive, I have too much pride, and I’m lazy and scared. But I’m also laid back, easy going, I always laugh, I could talk to a wall so I never have a dull conversation, I’m too curious for my own good, and I always say yes to an adventure; there is never a dull moment because I have grown to love myself, to embrace my weirdness and learn to embrace it in others.

So, where did the time go? Did it simply float by, me being so caught up in daily routines? Being an adult is hard, my parents warned me, but i didn’t think it would come so quick. I literally just learned how to do my laundry, I eat Chipotle way too much, and I have succeeded in binge watching Netflix every night. I miss the simplicity and rawness of childhood, where you could make a pile of leaves and jump in it, go outside and build a snowman, and just lay there making snow angels, sitting on the stairs waiting for Santa, laughing at the simple things, and playing with my siblings on our couch. I miss it, I miss myself and who I was.