We all catch ourselves strumming through our days like lost melodies looking for a choir. We wonder what the hell we are doing with ourselves and where the hell will we go next. As we grow older, the idea of what we want to make of this life becomes quite terrifying. As of recently, I feel like I have been aimlessly traveling through a wormhole with no beginning and no end. I overanalyze everything I do. I ask myself if what I am doing is good enough. I wonder if where I am in this point of my life is good enough. Sometimes, I just want a day off! I feel as if every inch of me is broken and I just want to figure out what I REALLY want and how that can make a huge difference. So, where am I going in life? What are my plans? What will I do? Who will I become? Will all my dreams come true? Will I ever stop feeling lost?
Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to help people. I always put others before myself. Knowing that I could put a smile on someones face made me feel like I had the whole world in the palm of my hands. As I grew older, my kindness was taken advantage of and I was bullied from 1st grade all the way until my first year of High School. I really had nobody and that's how I learned to start focusing on myself. As High School started, I had two really good friends that I am still best friends with to this day. I grew up. I grew out of my tinker bell shoes, I colored my hair, I threw on some wacky band t-shirts, I put on makeup, and I used music as my outlet. I grew up. I was never happier. Around the corner came college. I decided to major in English, International Studies, and Art. I wanted and still to this day want to be an International Educator and study as many cultures and languages as I could while keeping a journal/photo-journal of all of my wonderful experiences. As my first year went on, I wanted to explore other majors so I bounced between each and every major and nothing felt right. Up until this day, none of it feels right. I do not know what feels right anymore if I am being honest. All I know is that I want to live and breathe the world in every way imaginable. How can I decide on a major when I want so much of this life? Why must I decide now?The truth is, we are born into the belly of a whale with no map to find our own divinity. As a young writer, this was what my chaotic mind wrote and replayed in my head over and over and over again. I had no better way to describe this feeling of being lost and if I'm being honest, I still don't! We are all stumped on what will happen next. We all catch our attention lingering into the future. Being lost in this world is a construction of all the things that do not exist. What exists is us and time. Time and space. Space and travel. However, time is only a construction of our knowledge to accurately differentiate every second, minute, hour, and day from the next. Time will go on infinitely and that's why it is a part of us, space, and travel.
No one knows what's going to happen next. We are continuously learning and growing each and everyday. One day, we may be in love with the color pink and the next day we find something inspiring about the color yellow. The possibilities are endless. I have decided that the word "may" is the most crucial and powerful word in the dictionary. The word "may" is non-committal and that is why it is so real. Maybe that's what we need to understand. Maybe we need to understand that the future is promising enough and we do not need all of the answers we're begging for. The most intelligent and modest people in the world accept that they will not live to know and understand everything. So, why are we so obsessed with the future and why must we look for answers when, maybe, the future itself is promising enough?
As I lay here, I begin to notice every ounce of my existence. I begin to take each breath as if I could make it last a little longer. As I lay here, I ask myself what it means to be lost and why we all feel this way. I ask myself why we are all scouting for a tomorrow with a world flourishing with endless possibilities. I have finally decided that I am okay with feeling lost. Feeling lost means that I am being true to myself. It means that I am human and to me, that is beautiful. For the first time in months, my mindis finally at ease and I can finally breathe again. For those of you who don't know what you are doing or where you are going, it is okay. For those of you struggling to find the courage to do what you love, it is okay. For those of you who are afraid and alone, it is okay. Always remember that you are not alone.
