I know what you all are thinking: wonderful, here is another article about another breakup that a stupid sorority girl can't get over.
Well, I'm here to tell you that you're very wrong.
I'm not talking about letting you're boyfriend or girlfriend, a best friend, or that acquaintance in your life go. I'm talking about the heart-wrenching reality of when it is time to stop holding on to a loved one who is dying.
Where can one even begin when thinking about this harsh truth? Should I cry like everyone else, should I pray like everyone else, should I laugh and smile like some of the few? I just don't know. When someone is as sick as they are, you know it's inevitable that they are going to go, but it doesn't make the realization any easier, especially when your loved one takes a turn for the worse. The unfortunate truth is that although we don't want to think about letting someone we love go, we have to.
It's nothing like the movies. It doesn't happen in a blink of an eye or in the time span of a commercial break of our favorite soap opera. It's a process, one that has pangs of sadness, ease, and anxiety all at the same time. You watch your loved one, who used to be someone who took you shoe shopping before every new school year, whipped her car so fast that you fell out of your car seat, and wreaked of White Diamonds, turn into a stranger. They're physically there, but they aren't the loved one you saw just a month ago at Thanksgiving dinner. This is what I think hits us all the hardest... at least it did for me. Your loved one may have not been your favorite person, and you may not have been theirs, but they are still family, and they still have a place in your heart. You're numb to the idea that this person is not the same, and now you are forced to watch how much of a bitch life can be.
Family starts rolling in and you feel like you have the obligation to come to Hospice for the next few days, because if not, you have the feeling that you're going to be perceived as the heartless one (every family has that person). You say your "I love you's" and your goodbyes because you don't know if that's going to be it, and each day when you come to peace that your loved one is finally going to go, you have the disappointment that they have lived another day. And don't mistake my disappointment as me being a monster since I'm not praying for a miracle. I want my loved one to go because it would be selfish of me to think any other way. This isn't the life that she would want and she would be pissed if she knew that her hair was a hot mess and that everyone is giving her so much attention. I can say as many prayers as I want and I can wish as hard as a can, but at the end of the day, the fact of the matter is that the best thing for her is to go. It's a sad time and we may have to fight the urge to say, "F@$% you" to the EMT that tells us not to be sad, "Heaven is a great place," but he is absolutely right. She will be in a better place and when we come to this realization and peace, it's okay for us to want to let go. Nobody said it is going to be easy, but it won't be the first and it won't be the last time we have to do this so instead of goodbye, I'm going to think of it as a see you later. So Mommom, it's okay if you want to go, I will see you later... have some Tanqueray Gin for me.
