Dear Heartbroken High Schooler,

Hey you -- the girl who can barely eat lunch because your stomach is so knotted...

I know it’s hard -- you wake up every day, wishing you didn’t have to wake for another anxiety ridden day. You rub your tired eyes, praying that they aren’t too puffy from crying yourself to sleep and forgetting to take out your contacts. You’re exhausted – from the pain you feel inside and from the obvious lack of sleep - It’s hard going to sleep when you’ve contemplated a million different outcomes in your mind. It’s hard going to sleep feeling like a screw up and mulling over “what if” and “what can I do to get him back." It’s especially hard going to sleep believing, “it will never get easier” and wondering “when will it get easier.” Time can suck like that.

You make your way to the bathroom. You do that thing we've all done: stare at your tear-streamed face. You doubt you’ll manage to hide the bags under your eyes. All the while, you dab on a “pretty face”... you know, the face your friends expect. After all, it's been a couple weeks.

You tell yourself you will only mention his name 5 times today – 1. Because your friends seem bored 2. Because even you despise mentioning him. It feels old…. But you know very well you’re going to mention him 10 times.

But it’s okay.

You want to know why?

Because it will be okay.

How do I know that?

Because we’ve all been there, in one way or another, and we will all be there again at some point, for some reason. We’ve all experienced heartbreak, beyond breakups. Some of us have heartbreak at home or heartbreak inside. I'll tell you something, though, the relationship heartbreak can consume you.

We’ve been in school hallways, avoiding our exes. We’ve had to change our friends because we didn’t want to be reminded of our past. We’ve all had nosey people ask what happened, and we’ve all been the subject of gossip. We’ve had our grades drop because concentrating in class and at home feels next to impossible. We’ve stalked social media, long into the a.m. hours and we’ve reread intimate texts -- only to torture ourselves time and time again.

And what I am going to tell you may be hard to hear, but again, it will be okay.

You won’t ever forget. It sounds scary; I know. But it’s not as bad as it seems.

You won’t forget strictly because this is real pain – not the kind of pain you feel from a fall or from occasionally fighting with your siblings– but the pain resulting from true heartbreak. It may take months to get over or it may take years; sometimes, part of it stays with you forever.

I know this because I still feel it. I still occasionally wonder if I am good enough for my current boyfriend. Certain things set me off – certain phrases, texts, conversations -- they send me back, back to the heartbreak and back to the boy who caused it. I occasionally attribute these things with my new boyfriend, and I immediately regret the thoughts.

Why?

Because it’s not him. And it’s not me. I am not the high school girl who constantly wondered if I was good enough or if I could keep the boy. I am no longer the girl who cried herself to sleep. I don’t feel the need to hide or change… because I have moved on... and you will too.

I feel secure. I feel confident. I feel loved. Most importantly, I love myself again.

You will get there too. I promise.

Everyone’s story is different, and healing will feel like forever, and it will come when you least expect it. Healing comes from making new friends, exploring new places, and having new experiences. Healing comes in waves, and sometimes digression happens, but you will continue to move forward, and you will be okay. Again, I know this, because it happened to me.

I am a better person because of my heartbreak. I now have knowledge of the things I will do and the things I won’t. And though stubbornness causes us to ignore the best advice, I will impart 5 pieces of wisdom from my personal heartbreak:

1. Avoid social media if you can.

Seriously. Have a best friend monitor your social media habits and ensure that you are not stalking… and believe me, those social media habits you’re developing are forms of stalking. If you find yourself on ANY person’s Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. once an hour or more, you are indulging in dangerous behavior. In fact, any time you find yourself going on social media, strictly to check another person’s page, you are not using social media for good. What’s important to understand is that you have a life to live, beyond that of reading tweets and checking favorites. This endless monitoring will set you back, make you wonder, analyze, overanalyze, question and obsess. If you can promise yourself, right now, that you won’t compulsively check social media, then keeping your social media remains a valid option. However, if can’t guarantee that you won’t take part in these compulsive, obsessive behaviors, like I did, it will take much longer to get back to a happy, moderate place. Delete or block if you know you’re going to obsess or already take part in these behaviors. And again, have a good friend(s) to help you through it.

2. Get out of your house.

ASAP. The first few days after a breakup can be really tragic – constant reminders, talks, tears, and lots of thinking. Take a day or two to collect yourself, and when you have, reconnect with those people you may have lost touch with during the relationship. Mend the friendships. Get closer with your family members. Most importantly, go out and have fun. The best distraction is fun.

3. Stop blaming yourself and analyzing what happened.

This is one of the harder things to do. It is so easy to blame yourself for everything bad that happened, but I assure you, you are not the only person at fault. Yet, I still firmly believe there’s a need to analyze the breakup and possible causes. Just don’t dwell too much. Find a solid balance. You can’t change what happened – no matter the contemplation. In fact, if you want to fix the situation, I found the best method is letting go and continuing life as usual. During my heartbreak, I lived by, "When you don’t know what to do, don’t do anything." Get out of your head, and just live.

4. Let yourself experience “crazy.”

This is way different from monitoring social media. By crazy, I mean: allow yourself to change. Do things you normally wouldn’t... like getting a new piercing or dyeing your hair. Change can be so, so good and VERY therapeutic. And the best thing about change? You can always change back if you end up hating the change. Be the person you and your ex despised. I did. I went out. I partied. I even got a tattoo. (You don't have to go that extreme) I did everything I told my ex I never would do. More so, I allowed myself to experience new things and become my own person. I hung out with a new crowd – a crowd who I had severely misjudged. These people became my best friends. Sometimes, the best experiences come from going way outside your comfort zone with people you never believed you would hang out with. You find yourself in the process of losing yourself.

5. Forgive yourself.

This is definitely the hardest part. I think every person can benefit from forgiving themselves more and more, year by year. Maybe you’re not where you thought you would be, or with who you expected yourself to be with… but you only have one life to live, and it’s not meant to be lived in the past, regretting and wishing things were different. Embrace what you have, who you have, and where you are. You will never be happy if you are always looking in the rearview mirror or advancing ahead; you will miss out on the opportunity of contentment by neglecting the one true moment. My present is so beautiful because of my past, and I am so thankful for every minute of the heartbreak because it created this version of me, the one who knows better, understands her worth, and understands that this is just life, and we are merely human. We make mistakes. We break hearts, and our hearts break. We live. We learn. We grow. And we keep on keeping on. I found that it’s a lot easier to live with yourself when you love yourself and get past your past shortcomings. Forgive and start loving yourself again.

I know it’s hard. I know it feels like you’ll never be able to listen to that song again or appreciate a certain place because of the memories. I know food doesn’t taste quite as good. But it will.

It will get better, and it will be okay, and one day, you’ll look back and thank that person who broke you. Because by breaking, you learned to survive. You learned about yourself, about others, and about life. You learn that one, giant heartbreak may lead to the greatest love of your life – the love you have with yourself… and maybe, just maybe, the love you’ll have with another person.

Your friend and future self,

College student

PS: second loves are greater than first loves in my opinion ;)