Thoughts while reading "50 Ways to be a Perfect Girlfriend."
1. "Be younger than us"
If a man is seriously threatened by a woman who is older in age, they have self-esteem issues.
2. "Enjoy whiskey"
No, thank you. I will stick to wine.
3. "Be able to shotgun a beer at a reasonable pace"
The perfect boyfriend should not peer pressure anyone, especially their girlfriend.
4. "Handle your alcohol"
Remember this requirement when you are drunkenly slurring, stumbling and making ignorant remarks.
5. "Don’t be an emotional drunk"
Don't give us a reason to be emotional and this won't be an issue.
6. "There’s nothing less sexy than insecurity. Except maybe love handles."
If you do not want your girlfriend to be insecure, you probably should not write a list of 50 demands that would make her "perfect."
7. "Make us work for it. But only a little bit."
Maybe we'll make you work for it until we feel like you have proven your respect for us.
8. "Be nice to our pledges…just not TOO nice."
You probably should not be dating a girl if you are insecure when she is nice to your pledge brothers.
9. "Hook our friends up with your friends."
My love does not come with a dating service for your desperate friends.
10. "Understand the rules of football."
If you can't understand my love for the Notebook and Wine, I do not plan to reach any further understanding of football. Sorry.
11. "Don’t be clingy."
When a girl is clingy it is usually because of insecurities. Insecurities are influenced by things such as this article.
12. "Be someone we’d want to hang out with sober."
Why in the world would you date someone you don't like sober? Do you really get intoxicated that often?
13. "Don’t have annoying friends:"
Boys, do not have friends who are anything like this guy. You will also remain single.
14. "You don’t have to like beer, but at least, tolerate it."
If I will not tolerate any of the degrading things in the article, what makes you think I will tolerate the taste of something I do not like? I'll pack my own cooler with wine and water.
15. "Have an attractive mother. Trust me, it’s important."
What does this even mean...
16. "Don’t rush the initial 'girlfriend' talk."
Contrary to popular belief, girls do not sit around and hope for a boyfriend over night. If your commitment issues are that big of a problem you probably should not be in a relationship.
17. "Have a fake ID."
What kind of boyfriend encourages this?
18. "It should go without saying, but be in a sorority."
Being a sorority does not mean a girl is any more superior to a girl who is not in one.
19. "Bake us something from scratch."
If you consider a Lean Cuisine something from scratch, I'm your gal.
20. "Don’t look like you just rolled out of bed in class."
Whether I am in a T-shirt with no make up on and my hair tied in a bun, or in a ball gown looking like a million bucks, I expect my boyfriend to love me unconditionally.
21. "Help us study (read: sell us your or your friends’ Adderall)."
Now you want me to be arrested for drug dealing? NO.
22. "Nurse us back to health on Sunday mornings."
I am not in any condition to nurse anyone but myself back to healthy Sunday mornings.
23. "Don’t go through our phones. We might not have anything to hide but we still f**king hate it."
Glad we are on the same page with one thing.
24. "If you choose to wear heels, don’t complain to us when they’re uncomfortable."
Beauty is pain. Sorry, but not sorry.
25. "We don’t need to know the specifics of your period. A simple warning will do."
Seriously, grow up.
26. "Keep your rabid insatiable love for Luke Bryan to yourself, and off of our iPhones."
Does this rule also apply for the naked photos of Scarlett Johansson and Megan Fox?
27. "Never ask us to watch 'Magic Mike' with you. It isn’t going to happen."
This article is asking us to do a lot of things we do not want to do. The least men can do is watch Magic Mike with us.
28. "Eventually, we’re going to ask you for a threesome. Either accept or divert our attention with a blowjob. No tantrum necessary."
Remember, this is your girlfriend. Have a little bit of respect.
29. Before you do anything, ask yourself “Would a psychopath do this?”
If you asked yourself this question, you probably would not have written this article.
30. "Don’t make our brothers hate you."
Thank you for this helpful tip. Now we will not make this our primary life goal.
31. "Warn us if you’ve hooked up with one of our fraternity brothers."
Warn us if you've hooked up with our sorority sisters. Yeah, that's what I thought.
32. "Don’t expect us to take you on 8 dates a week."
This is not an expectation in college. We are all broke, but a date here and there would be nice.
33. "Make sure our dogs like you."
The actual dog will love me, you? Not so much.
34. "Keep your downstairs tidy."
You're entitled to your own preferences, but this should be far from a deal breaker.
35. "Remember that you’re our girlfriend, not our mother."
Remember that you're in your 20s so you probably should not be acting like a child.
36. "If we stop texting you, assume we’re just asleep until we’ve given you reason to think otherwise."
A simple 'goodnight' will solve this issue.
37. "Unless we bring her up, don’t talk about our ex-girlfriend."
The only way a girl is threatened by an ex-girlfriend is from insecurities (stem from these list of commands).
38. "Don’t talk about your ex-boyfriend, unless it’s to tell us how much better we are."
They are our ex for a reason. Be comfortable with that.
39. "If you ask us how many people we’ve had sex with, you can’t get mad at the answer. Ignorance is bliss." and
40. "Lie about how many people you’ve had sex with."
The past is the past. Can we not just trust each other??
41. "Make sure our formal cooler doesn’t look like a five-year-old finger painted it."
The chances of me successfully making a cooler that does not look like a five-year-old made it is slim to none. Sorry, we are not all crafty.
42. "We hate condoms, and everyone hates abortions. You’re a grown up now, it’s time to get on the pill."
Everyone also hates Sexually Transmitted diseases.
43. "Look good naked." and "44. Realize #43 applies to the entire relationship, not just the beginning."
Love and embrace your girlfriends beauty as we will do the same for you every single day.
45. "We will never be Channing Tatum. Deal with it."
This was never an expectation.
46-50. are the reasons I plan to stay single until the males of my generation finally mature.
You should too!
