Until about a year ago, whenever I heard the word “depressed” the first thing that came to my mind was being upset or down. If any of my friends claimed to be “depressed” I would offer communicating with him/her or tirelessly try to cheer him/her up, hoping that he/she will be fine after a couple of hours. However, after the month of January 2016, I have realized how vastly different the state I just mentioned above and “depression” are. Needless to stay, I am a survivor of depression.
Despite how sad it is, what I mentioned above is the common idea of “depression” for most people. They don’t have the faintest knowledge of the gravity of the horrendous nightmare that each sufferer goes through. Thus, naturally they seem to misinterpret a sufferer’s descriptions. They try to comprehend his/her situation based on their own experiences and often end up infuriating the latter or push him/her into another round of emotional breakdown. What create further destruction are the countless efforts to make the sufferer laugh by random jokes or worse, saying something like “shake it off”. As a result, they either face tantrums from the sufferer or hear the phrase “you won’t understand”. Generally, this leads on to an arrogant fight where both fail to see through each other but either way, the sufferer remains as the sufferer.
I am 20 years old and I have come across many peers of around my age who have either gone through or seen someone go through depression. The cause of depression varies from person to person but the sole feeling itself is more or less the same. I can say that I have suffered depression. Maybe what I have felt does not comply with even the slightest portion of what someone else has but I have felt something close. I have experienced the horror and made way for the light, but yet, I don’t think I can properly put the exact definition of depression in words.
According to what I felt, depression is a state where one can fully sense emptiness inside. It feels like as if your body is physically in the present, however, your conscious mind is partially fixed in a cloudy meshwork. You can witness and hear everything happening around you, however you can hardly make sense of it, because your mind is highly disoriented. Everything seems dull and unworthy of attention and one constantly feels like “there is no point” of doing anything. Depression can bring out the worst demons in a person, and sometimes these demons tend to take over. They crawl around your mind and link it with your worst fears, which distresses you, the sufferer. I felt like I was pushed to the edge of a cliff, accompanied by a constant urge to jump off of it instead of saving myself.
I have seen most people, suffering from depression, constantly talk about death (including me). And an observer simply cannot understand this particular scenario. He/she constantly tries to “knock sense” into the sufferer by reminding him/her of the countless reasons for living. But like I mentioned earlier, the cloudy minds cannot reason. This sometimes irritate the observer. He/she loses patience and give up saying “you have to handle it yourself”. This is the last thing a person suffering from depression needs to hear. Depression associates with isolation and a feeling of “not belonging”. Thus, leaving the sufferer on his/her own will only increase the isolation and drive him/her further away. However, there is some truth in the observer’s thinking. The only person who can bring the most difference in this state of depression, or cure it even, is the person suffering it. Others can guide him/her but the first step towards cure has to be taken by yourself. The sufferer needs to fight the desire of death and at least try to help himself/herself.
What I want to say to an observer is that don’t abandon your friend or family member. Don’t expect them to see the world from your eyes. Don’t expect them to make sense out of his/her words. At least, not yet. Create an environment of comfort and love where they can shelter themselves under, whenever they need to. Because they feel isolated, they constantly feel like a burden to the rest of the world. At the same time, they loathe pity. Don’t remind them of the role you play in their lives, but assure them of being loved for exactly who they are, even if that means being a constantly self-loathing person craving death. They don’t choose to be depressed. Like any other mental illness, depression affects them unexpectedly and needs to be cured.
My mother once told me, “the feeling of needing someone for your own survival is big, but the feeling of being needed by someone is bigger”. Show them how their existence matter in your lives. What drove me to break through the binds of depression was watching my brother lying in the hospital bed craving to see me every day. He was too young to comprehend what I went through at that time. But even at his worst state, his face lit up every time he saw me. At that moment, his needs meant more to me than mine.
Lastly, what I want to say to a sufferer is that don’t give in to your urge. The first step is to keep surviving. I know a lot of you are going through something a mere 20 years old like me cannot even imagine in her worst nightmares. But I know that no incident is worthy enough to take your life. I am not a psychologist, neither have I studied depression in depth. I have only experienced it and I am not exaggerating when I say that it was the hardest time yet. But I survived it and thus I can confidently say that there is a way out. There is a way which is harder than death but if found, it can guide you to, if not brightest, but a brighter future.
