I'm not going to beat a dead horse and say that 2016 was a crap year. That's basically a fact by now, judging by the significant rise of bleach-drinking memes and other interpretations of suicidal thoughts as expressed by angst-ridden teenagers. But with all that has changed in 2016, we still carried along plenty of the same-old crap that we've had in previous years. With "artists" such as Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber (if he hasn't OD'd yet), and Drake still lurking in the shadows, it seems like all of America has embarked on an overly-dramatic quest for love spearheaded by these...uh...youth icons.

So, rather than hop on the bandwagon and preach about all of the lengths, widths, curvatures, degrees, and temperatures that I'd go to for love, I'm planting my flag and standing firmly by the river if truth. Yes, today I will attempt what has never been attempted before (pay no attention to Meatloaf sitting in the background) and list off the things that I'd NEVER, EVER do for love.

1. Make a sequel to Battlefield Earth

This does not need explaining. If you haven't seen the move, be happy. There is no love to be found here. None. At. All.

2. Kill off Tyrion Lannister

With season 7 rolling around the corner, many fans of the series are wondering which beloved character is going to die next. While I'm relatively new to the series (still on book 1), Tyrion has become my favorite character for his wit, cynicism, and insight of the oppressed. He will never die. Never.

3. Make a live-action Naruto movie

Oh, the folly of men. Have we not already learned our lesson from Dragonball Evolution and The Last Airbender? Hollywood needs to stay the hell away from anime. I don't care if there's a millionaire model waiting around the corner with a copy of Elder Scrolls VI in hand, I ain't dropping to this level of madness. And if you're a true red-blooded American, you'd say the same.

4. Bring back Harambe memes

Just like the gorilla, these memes need to stay dead. A classic tale of tragedy + time, the Harambe incident unified America, and thus the Internet, in a typhoon that soon turned into a cancerous growth upon the Internet. Like the Cincinnati Zoo on a sunny afternoon, these memes were eventually shut down after everybody had their fun taking a swing at the death of the lil' guy. It's time to move on.

5. Fight children with diabetes

While I'm certainly an expert swordsman, a true warrior knows when to lay down his blade. Fighting children with a horrible disease is no way for a knight to live. While I'm certain that I could get a great betting operation going, this fighting ring would do more to stain my honor than any amount of money can make up for. Shame on you, Canada. Shame on you.

6. Date Taylor Swift

So, you think you've made it big, huh? You're now dating Taylor Swift. Congratulations are in order, I suppose. Going out with the music industry's poster child must certainly have it's perks. When you're not exchanging blows with the paparazzi, it's just a nonstop thrill ride of sex, drugs, and celebrity drama. Sounds perfect, doesn't it? Think again, friend. When she's done wringing you out like a damp washcloth, you'll be on the street corner snapping pornographic cards at people while Taylor's swimming in a pool of money with another unfortunate fool. Sure, the mainstream culture has it's picture-perfect image of what love looks like, but there's a dark underbelly to every majestic unicorn. That's a...uh...a kinda gross metaphor, just roll with it. Don't tell my parents I said that.

7. Not say 'Hi' to Mark

Only real flag-waving, firearm-bearing, red-blooded Americans will get this reference. No matter how beautiful of a damsel awaits, I will always say hi to Mark. Always. No matter what happens, he did naht hit her, he did naht.

8. Dishonor the Geneva Convention

While I'm certain that many Hollywood starlets would be swooning over a man who would break the rules regarding the treatment of war prisoners, I find it to be morally repulsive. Guys, no amount of love and beauty in the world is worth dishonoring one's nation by refusing to abide by international war standards. Remember that, gentlemen. Remember that.

9. Restablish the Austro-Hungarian Empire

I mean, come on. This "empire" was complexly organized, so much that grievances were all too common within the state. Organized as separate autonomous entities with different parliaments, these two cheeky little bastards only were unified in terms of warfare, foreign policy, and joint finance. Thus, differences of opinion could be found among the rulers of Austria and Hungary, as was the case of Franze Ferdinand and Franz Josef. Girl, I don't care if you've been expelled from the German Confederation, there's no love to be found with you.