Pay no mind to this, Future Employer That’s Doing Background Research On Me.
Resumes are the worst. They are word documents with cookie cutter formats and a whole lot of wordy, pretty ways to oversell an unpaid business internship you had for two months one summer. Truth is, your uncle got you the job. And all you did was fetch coffees and make copies. Whatever, I’m probably bitter. I don’t have an internship, so I have to channel my contempt somewhere.
Here's a list of things we’ve all probably lied about, or at least embellished, on our resumes. I’m not saying everyone does; some people are overachievers and volunteer for fun. They probably build webpages in their free time and know PowerPoint animations like the back of the their hand. Those guys, they’re going great places in life. The rest of us, lost and confused, need little white lies to puff up our resumes so we look slightly above average, when in reality, we’re significantly below.
1. I’m proficient in Microsoft Excel.
Subtext: I was proficient in MS Excel when I took a computer applications class in eighth grade. Now? I couldn’t tell a cell from a row or a row from a column, or whatever. I’m proficient in staring blankly at a screen, though.
2. I know Photoshop well.
Subtext: I know *of* Photoshop. And I have used it, like once or twice. Do I know how to use it well? Most likely not. Can’t I just use the photo adjustments that comes with the iPhone Photos app? Isn’t that the same thing? What are layers?
3. I am familiar with basic HTML coding.
Subtext: Yeah, no. The only exposure to HTML I have is from 10th grade when I thought changing my Tumblr theme every couple days was a metaphor for my dark and disturbed soul. But even then, I usually just copy and pasted some rando hipster’s theme.
4. I am skilled in video editing software.
Subtext: I’ve taken two different video production classes: one in high school, one in college. Both teachers lacked any actual knowledge in video editing. I do know iMovie, though.
5. I work well under pressure.
Subtext: Well, I can definitely get work done under pressure. But I will be angry, stressed, bitter and have a strong resting bitch face on. And the work is never done “well.” It’s usually just mediocre.
6. I am a good problem solver.
Subtext: Because I usually just solve the problem by refusing to acknowledge its existence.
7. I am very organized.
Subtext: I obsessively make color coded to-do lists, but they’re usually frantic scribblings on random sheets of paper I’ll lose as soon as I’m done writing them—does that count as organization? Help.
8. I have great interpersonal skills.
Subtext: I like to make jokes, but often forget who my audience is and am borderline unprofessional. I also go from talking way too much to talking not at all, and haven’t been able to find a balance… ever. Interpersonally speaking, I’m pretty good at telling when people don’t want anything to do with me, though.
9. I volunteer often.
Subtext: I did one stint of volunteer work with a group of kids for my church because my mom made me. This involved packing up boxes to send down to Haiti. This was one time though, in ninth grade while volunteering at a local soup kitchen, I mostly texted friends from my Samsung Alias flip phone while rolling my eyes when people asked me to help serve food.
Advice: Don’t completely lie on your resume. Employers do fact check. If anyone propped me in front of Photoshop and gave me a picture to edit, I’d be pretty lost. Instead, fluff up your skills and experience with white lies. Volunteered once = volunteered regularly. But remember, don’t trust me, I don’t even know Microsoft Excel.
