If you struggle with anxiety, you know first-hand just how hard it can be to live a normal life. Whether it be test anxiety, social anxiety, performance anxiety or just general anxiety, you struggle with things that other people do not understand. Often times, people will say things that do more harm than good for you. It’s frustrating to have to deal with the everyday torments of anxiety, and having people pester you with inappropriate comments or questions does not help one bit. If you are reading this and are not one of the millions of Americans that struggle with anxiety, consider yourself lucky, and be sure to think twice before saying these things to an anxiety sufferer.
“Anxiety isn’t real. It’s all in your head.”
Yeah, where else would it be? Of course it’s all in my head. That’s part of the problem. Because anxiety doesn’t have symptoms that you can see and easily diagnose, it is harder to treat. There are many different manifestations of anxiety, and it is different for every person. A comment like this makes anxiety sufferers feel like there is something wrong with them when in reality they are just dealing with an illness that you can’t see. We do not make up the way that we feel. Who wants to be afraid to talk to new people or struggle with test or not be able to sleep because of anxiety? We don’t make this up. Its how we really feel and it is out of our control.
“What do you have to be nervous about?”
Let me point out that being nervous and being anxious are very different. Although the words are used interchangeably, there are some serious differences, especially for an anxiety sufferer. I struggle most with performance anxiety. For me, taking a test will make me nervous, so I will study harder and maybe have a stomach ache or forget a few answers. Before a performance, I am riddled with anxiety: my hands shake, my face turns white, I get sick to my stomach, I begin to panic, and have trouble speaking or thinking clearly. The difference between being nervous and anxious for me is very extreme.
“If you have anxiety, does that mean you are suicidal?”
This one really bothers me. Suicide is not something you can just bring up in casual conversation. Chances are, if you ask something like this in front of a group of people, I will just walk away from you. It’s a disrespectful question to ask because it makes me feel like you are assuming things about me. And even if I am or have been suicidal, I may not want to talk about it with you, especially in public. If you are worried someone is suicidal, the best advice I can give is to make sure they know you care. Ask them how they are and offer to go to lunch with them. If it is someone you may not be very close to, seek out someone that is and let them know that you are concerned. It is most important for people to know they are cared about.
“So are you just anxious all the time?”
Actually, no. I am my “normal” self about 75 percent of the time. And as I addressed earlier, anxiety manifests different for everyone. During that other 25 percent of the time, it may be as simple as having a stomach ache and shaking hands, or I may be having a full blown panic attack. Never assume that I am anxious based on how I am acting, either. Everyone has bad days, so treat me like a normal person. Because I am.
“Are you better today?” — said in an annoyed tone after I have had a bout with anxiety.
This I have gotten from people who do not understand anxiety, and I don’t know that it is meant to come across as hurtful as it does. Keep in mind that I do not really control my anxiety, so if I have a bad day, let it be behind me. If you are legitimately asking if I am having a better day today knowing yesterday wasn’t great, be cautious of wording and tone of voice so that it doesn’t sound like you are annoyed with me.
“Shouldn’t you be on medication for that?”
Frankly, what medications I am on is no one’s business but my own. I choose not to medicate for anxiety because I have had success with working through it on my own. I have had friends that tried medication, and found that it didn’t work for them. To put it into perspective, when treating a cold, one person may have success with Nyquil, while another person just rests a lot and drinks plenty of fluids. Every human body is different and every case is different.
“Get over it.”
Really? Would you walk up to someone with cancer and tell them just to get over it? How about someone with a broken leg, should they just walk it off?
“You’re being selfish.”
I do not understand where this remark comes from. How am I being selfish by having a mental illness that I both do not want and do not control? I hate the effects it has on my relationships with family and friends.
If you or someone you love suffers with anxiety, these may be things that you have heard before. If you are someone who does not suffer with anxiety, understand that what you say can be hurtful. Be careful how you say things. Even if you are trying to show you care, it can come across harshly because you do not understand. The best way to handle the situation is to simply say, “I do not understand what you are going through, but I would like to help.” Knowing someone cares is a big relief, whether the person understands it or not.
