15 Beautiful Interviews With People Who Don't Give a Fuck
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Politics and Activism

15 Beautiful Interviews With People Who Don't Give a Fuck

Asexual people will help you transform the way you see sexuality!

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15 Beautiful Interviews With People Who Don't Give a Fuck
Everyday Fem

To my surprise, one of my closest friends recently told me she is asexual. It was difficult for her to embrace because part of her feared no one would understand, and maybe, in a sense, I didn't. That's when I decided to make it my mission to submerge myself into her world through research, support groups, and eventually by encountering other asexual people like her. This article is a dedication to my friend and the many like her who want to be heard in a world where sex is an expectation and, in some cases, a requirement to be seen as "normal."

Asexuality is a sexual orientation in which people do not, or rarely, experience sexual attraction and desire. It is not a choice, just as other sexual orientations (heterosexual, homosexual, etc.) are not choices. Asexuality is NOT the same as celibacy. Asexuality is not a choice, whereas celibacy is. Some asexual people enjoy physical contact. Some might even be fine with sexual contact. They just don't seek it out or feel sexually attracted to anyone. Most asexuals are capable of having sex. As with masturbation, some asexuals find the experience of sex pleasurable. The common factor among the broad spectrum of asexuals is that they are not driven to have sex with other people.



A popular nickname for asexual is Ace. Because of this, the Ace of Spades and Ace of Hearts have become symbols for the community, the former representing Aromantic Asexuals and the latter Romantic Asexuals.

The following 15 interviews were conducted with a diverse group of Aces from many backgrounds, orientations, and ages. They have shared their stories to bring awareness to the Asexual community and hope that others can better understand who they are. To my beautiful friend, you are not alone, and most of all, you are not broken!


1. "If you can have sex without love, then why can’t you have love without sex?"


Gender: Female
Age: 19
Location: Alaska, USA
Status: In a Relationship


Q: Where on the Asexual spectrum are you? Can you explain what that means to someone who may not understand?

I am a Heteroromantic Asexual, which means I feel no sexual attraction but I do seek physical closeness and a strong emotional connection to a person of the opposite sex. I love to cuddle, kiss, hug, hold hands, and be intimate with my partner. I just have no interest engaging in sexual acts with them.

Q: When did you realize you were Asexual?

Only about a year ago when I searched the internet high and low looking for why I felt I had to force myself to have sex. After I lost my virginity, I thought all this constant insecurity about sex would go away and I would finally desire it...but it didn’t go away and I felt even more dread toward the thought. For the longest time I felt broken until finally I found a community where I truly belonged. I know this isn’t a choice. I didn’t choose to be like this; it’s just who I am.

Q: Whom in your life have you told and how did they respond?

I have told my best friend and boyfriend. My best friend was hesitant at first, telling me that I just hadn’t met the right person, as if my feelings toward sex could be cured. She has come to embrace it once she realized I was with the perfect person for me and somehow was never able to change my views. My boyfriend, on the other hand, accepted my asexuality without any hesitation. It turned out he is on the asexual spectrum too. Asexuality has only brought us closer together.

Q: Is there an analogy you use to explain the way you see sex?

I like to think of sex as tennis. I don’t have an interest in tennis but if my boyfriend invited me to play it with him I probably would, because it makes him really happy. I’m not scared of tennis, and I don’t hate it; I just don’t go out of my way to play it. My boyfriend, on the other hand, may enjoy the sport, so I’ll tag along if he wants me to! When I’m alone, however, I’m not going to seek out a tennis court. On a rare occasion I may ask him if he wants to go to the tennis court because I feel like I want to play today, or maybe I know that he really wants to.

Q: What do you say to people who believe Asexuality is a myth or a mental illness?

If you can have sex without love, then why can’t you have love without sex? Just as one can live without meat, one can live without sex! It is not oxygen, I can assure you.

Q: What is the hardest thing to explain to people about your orientation?

Being Asexual does not mean I’ll never have sex with my partner. It’s just never been something I’ve been interested in. I don’t understand how someone NEEDS to relieve themselves or would cheat on someone because of a sexual urge. I’ve never had this urge. I just don’t see why sex is necessary.

Q: What is the one thing you want others to understand about Asexuals?

You can be asexual and still crave certain aspects of sex such as intimacy, kissing, cuddling, and romance. For so long I thought those things only came with the territory of sex, and if you wanted them you would have to be willing to trade your body. I felt pressured into believing that I would have to have sex in order to be in a relationship and in order to be loved. Now I know that that is not true. I am still a hopeless romantic with so much love to give. No matter what others believe, I don’t think that not wanting sex makes me a bad or broken person!

Q: What is your relationship like with your partner? Are they Asexual too? What challenges have you experienced as a couple?

My partner is demisexual, so he needs to feel an emotional bond in order to have sex. It's very hard for people who are not asexual to understand that they are still desired, just in different ways. I am attracted to him romantically, not sexually. I am attracted to how aesthetically pleasing he is to me. I am attracted to every last part of him, inside and out. I just don’t find him or other people attractive in a way that makes me want to have sex with them. My partner understands and accepts this! Our relationship is beautiful and neither would have it any other way


2. "I realized that sex was a huge chore that I didn’t actually even want for myself most of the time. I was just doing it to make my partner happy."

Gender: Female
Age: 28
Location: New York, USA
Status: In a Relationship

Q: Where on the Asexual spectrum are you? Can you explain what that means to someone who may not understand?

I would define myself as bi-romantic gray-asexual. Usually, this is a mouthful of an explanation to most people, so I try to break it down into the romantic side and the sexual side – so, I have romantic feelings toward both men and women. (Usually if they’re still confused, I’ll throw out the “bisexual” term and note the caveat of asexual in that explanation). As far as gray-asexual goes, this means that I very rarely experience sexual attraction or the desire to have sex with someone.

Q: When did you realize you were Asexual?

In my early 20's, when my sex life had a bigger upturn in the past, and I found myself pretending and putting on an act all the time. It was exhausting to try to keep up with allosexual [a person who is not asexual] partners, and I realized that sex was a huge chore that I didn’t actually even want for myself most of the time. I was just doing it to make my partner happy.

Q: Whom in your life have you told and how did they respond?

I’ve seldom shared this with people I know “offline.” I’ve told my current partner and a few friends. My friends have all been extremely supportive; one of them knew exactly what the orientation was about (the “romantic” part of it and all) because she was, fortunately, very engrossed in gender and sexuality studies for her own grad school work and was very positive about me telling her.

The other friend needed a bit more explanation because she didn’t understand it totally, but was supportive when I explained further. My partner has waxed and waned in his support of it, unfortunately; his immediate reaction was feeling hurt and he questioned whether he “was good enough,” and claimed he started doubting himself because of it.

He’s also suggested that I’m depressed or that this is resulting from sexual trauma in my teenage years (an actual thing that happened, but I’d hardly “pin” my status as an ace on that). He has wanted me to go to therapy. But he’s also been supportive at other times and says he “gets” that it happens.

My partner and I recently met someone who has become a friend to both of us, and she revealed that she also identified as asexual, and I feel like this is legitimizing asexuality more for my partner now – he’s seeing I’m not just an isolated case and there are other people out there that feel the same way.

Q: What do you say to people who believe Asexuality is a myth or mental illness?

I haven’t really come across this much in my real life, and I tend to ignore these statements and say nothing if I see people saying this online. I feel like if someone said this to my face, I’d probably cry and then explain that it is real even if they refuse to see that there are people all around them that feel this way. It’s not something that is immediately hand-in-hand with mental illness or trauma. I’d refer them to research it on their own rather than holding a false belief.

Q: Do you think our society pressures us to be sexual beings?

Yes. Honestly, I think the wave of sex-positivity is good. I’m totally in support of people pursuing their own sexualities and engaging in as much sexual activity as they want to; but I also expect others to respect my sexuality and not accuse me of being a “prude”/cold/mentally ill/traumatized (the list goes on for not wanting sex). In terms of relationships, I feel like the way society has been presenting sexuality (and even hyper-sexuality) sets up an unrealistic expectation—and this affects all-o-sexuals as well as asexuals, with this expectation of “we need to be banging like porn stars all the time or else we’re not having our relationship to its fullest.” There’s so much more to a relationship than sex, so it’s sort of upsetting that it’s so emphasized in terms of a relationship.

Q: Do you ever wish you were not Asexual?

Sometimes! It can make things very complicated, but I also appreciate asexuality for opening my mind to the many layers of relationships outside of physical intimacy.

Q: What is the one thing you want others to understand about Asexuals?

Not everyone experiences sexuality in the same way. Even within asexuality itself, there is a spectrum of identification, and while it may seem odd or unnatural, this doesn’t mean we have mental illnesses or trauma causing us to “act” this way. It’s just how we are.

Q: What is your relationship like with your partner? Are they Asexual too? What challenges have you experienced as a couple?

My partner is not asexual. Obviously, his desire for sex is much, much higher than mine. Sex is a part of our relationship, but 90% of the time sex is something I do to make him happy rather than as something I’m desiring in a similar way. He often feels bad about this and claims he “doesn’t enjoy it [as much] when I’m not ‘into it’,” which is where I usually end up using metaphors. To explain it, I usually remind him how much I love back/shoulder massages. He’ll occasionally give me a back/shoulder massage; I know he doesn’t exactly get anything out of that, but he does it because he knows I want one and it makes me happy.


3. "Having no sexual attraction doesn't mean one can't enjoy sex. It feels good. You don't have to think the person is hot to feel good. You just have to like them enough to let them in your pants."


Gender: Transgender gender-fluid
Age: 19
Location: Florida, USA
Status: In a Relationship


Q: Where on the Asexual spectrum are you? Can you explain what that means to someone who may not understand?

I fall under asexual, meaning I don't experience any sexual attraction; but I do experience aesthetic attraction, which means I know when someone is hot, I just don't care. I'm pan-romantic demi-romantic which means I believe I could fall in love with anyone, but I need to have a close bond with them before I am romantically attracted to them.

Q: When did you realize you were Asexual?

I realized I was different at six, but I didn't know there was really a name for it until I was maybe seventeen.

Q: Whom in your life have you told and how did they respond?

I've told my mom, who says that sexual attraction is ESSENTIAL to a relationship (which I completely disagree with). I also told my boyfriend who was confused at first but is really accepting.

Q: What do you say to people who believe Asexuality is a myth or a mental illness?

I don't think I'm the problem. I think it's close-minded people like that who are.

Q: Do you think our society pressures us to be sexual beings?

Absolutely. I was one of the lucky ones who realized early on that I didn't have to have sex if I didn't want to.

Q: Do you think awareness about Asexuality is important to teach in Sex Ed? Do you believe you can know you’re Asexual even as a child?

Absolutely it should. So many kids grow up thinking they're broken and feel forced to have sex, which by that definition is rape. I think kids go through phases of no attraction to having a high libido but seeing as how kids around me were dating in the second grade, I'd say yes. It is possible to know you're asexual as a child. But people change as they grow older, and that's alright.

Q: Do you ever wish you were not Asexual?

Most of the time, no. But When I see how sad it makes my partner that I don't really want him in a sexual way, I wish so badly I could give him what he wants.

Having no sexual attraction doesn't mean one can't enjoy sex. It feels good. You don't have to think the person is hot to feel good. You just have to like them enough to let them in your pants.

Q: What is your relationship like with your partner? Are they Asexual too? What challenges have you experienced as a couple?

My partner is Allosexual (high libido). We both believe in abstinence until marriage so it hasn't been a problem so far, but I know how much he wants sex. But he is completely understanding and says he'll give it up for me. He didn't ask for an open relationship which I am so grateful for. It would break me.


4. "[I want others to understand] that it is not a choice and not a burden and not an illness and that we should be accepted as we are. It really bothers me; even the LGTB+ community doesn't want us."

Gender: Female
Age: 23
Location: Germany

Q: Where on the Asexual spectrum are you? Can you explain what that means to someone who may not understand?

I'm not sure if I am demi or ace, so I use gray-ace because it's an umbrella term. But if people who know nothing about the spectrum ask me, I tell them I'm asexual to not confuse them even more. I would explain it like this: I rarely feel sexual attraction and most of the time I don't want to take part in sexual interaction. But under special circumstances (and I can't really define them) I feel sexually attracted to people, even if it is just a short period of time.

Q: When did you realize you were Asexual?

I realized it when I was about 19 or 20. I googled "no interest in sex" or something and found AVEN (The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network).

Q: Do you think our society pressures us to be sexual beings?

I think society pressures us to be sexual because every advertisement has sexual metaphors. It only works when people are interested in sexual stuff. Sex is smashed in our faces every day.

Q: Do you ever wish you were not Asexual?

I sometimes really wish I wasn't asexual, so that it would be easier finding a partner. That's the only reason; I feel comfortable with it apart from that.

Q: What is the one thing you want others to understand about Asexuals?

I want others to understand that there can be something so much more intimate than sex. That it is not a choice and not a burden and not an illness and that we should be accepted as we are. It really bothers me; even the LGTB+ community doesn't want us.


5. "Some other people I've told have tried to shut me down, telling me that romance and sex are the same thing and told me that it's unnatural."


Gender: Agender
Age: 15
Location: England, UK

Q: Where on the Asexual spectrum are you? Can you explain what that means to someone who may not understand?

I'm bi-romantic asexual. I feel romantic attraction to both sexes and more than one gender, but I don't feel sexual attraction to anyone.

Q: When did you realize you were Asexual?

Sometime in 2014, my friend and I were discussing sex, and I mentioned that I wasn't interested, and she told me I might be ace. I looked it up, and I realized that I am.

Q: Whom in your life have you told and how did they respond?

I told my parents, and neither took it seriously and basically told me I'm too young to figure that out, I'll grow out of it, etc. I think my dad has sort of accepted it now. I told my best friend, and he totally accepts it, along with one of my gay friends. Some other people I've told have tried to shut me down too, telling me that romance and sex are the same thing and told me that it's unnatural.

Q: What do you say to people who believe Asexuality is a myth or a mental illness?

I try to explain it, but if it's not working, I probably get annoyed, and give up.

Q: Do you think our society pressures us to be sexual beings?

Yeah, I think it does. Sex is almost everywhere, everybody thinks it's the norm, so people like us are outcasts.

Q: Do you think awareness about Asexuality is important to teach in Sex Ed?

Yes, I think it's very important. Kids have to know that it's a normal thing and that it's totally okay if you're ace.

Q: What is the one thing you want others to understand about Asexuals?

We're human.


6. "I had forced myself to have sex all my life, but because I didn't know any better. I thought it was normal."

Gender: Fluid
Age: 23
Location: California, USA

Q: Where on the Asexual spectrum are you? Can you explain what that means to someone who may not understand?

I am graysexual. This means that I have rarely experienced sexual attraction, but in my case, it's unpredictable, uncommon, and can vanish without warning.

Q: When did you realize you were Asexual?

The last year of college, at 23. Since I had experienced sexual attraction in the past and I have a high libido, I didn't even consider the possibility. But after taking some time to really analyze my feelings, I realized that my sexual attraction to people was often no more than the libido I feel when I look at a sex toy. I had forced myself to have sex all my life, but because I didn't know any better. I thought it was normal.

Q: Whom in your life have you told and how did they respond?

I told a friend who later became my partner for a while. He was respectful and didn't try having sex with me. It was fine because we are poly [more than one partner] and he could find sexual pleasure elsewhere. I've also told a few friends and an ex who is my best friend. They have all been respectful but have asked questions due to their curiosity and my past sexual activity.

Q: What do you say to people who believe Asexuality is a myth or a mental illness?

You can't know what you don't experience. I don't know what defines mental illness but if the various sexualities aren't mental illnesses, then asexuality isn't either.

Q: Do you think our society pressures us to be sexual beings?

Absolutely. Not that it's society's fault, but I do resent it.

Q: Do you think awareness about Asexuality is important to teach in Sex Ed? Do you believe you can know you’re Asexual even as a child?

I think it should absolutely be taught, but I don't think you can know for sure until you begin puberty, just like other sexualities.

Q: Do you ever wish you were not Asexual?

Yes.

Q: What is the one thing you want others to understand about Asexuals?

Having sex doesn't mean you aren't asexual.

Q: What is your relationship like with your partner? Are they Asexual too? What challenges have you experienced as a couple?

Being gray-ace can and has hurt my partners' self esteems and it has taken a toll on my love life. They often wonder what they did wrong to not "deserve" my attraction. But I have no power over it. It doesn't mean I don't love them. Nevertheless, it's why I have recently made the decision to not date anyone I'm not sexually attracted to, which his hard because I only experience sexual attraction maybe once a year, if that.


7. "We do not need to be pitied or fixed."


Gender: Female
Age: 26
Location: England, UK

Q: Where on the Asexual spectrum are you? Can you explain what that means to someone who may not understand?

I am simply asexual, I have never experienced sexual attraction or had any interest in having partnered sex.

Q: When did you realize you were Asexual?

I found the term 'asexual' at 24, but had been calling myself 'non-sexual' since I was 21.

Q: Whom in your life have you told and how did they respond?

A friend who responded positively and a psychologist who also responded positively and then made an effort to research the subject in order to understand my experiences.

Q: What do you say to people who believe Asexuality is a myth or a mental illness?

That there is no excuse for such ignorance when they have access to the internet.

Q: Do you think awareness about Asexuality is important to teach in Sex Ed?

Yes, I think that it is important to teach about ALL orientations in sex ed, and that teaching about asexuality is important so that aces will know that it is okay to be how they are and so that others will understand them.

Q: Do you ever wish you were not Asexual?

No.

Q: What is the one thing you want others to understand about Asexuals?

That we do not need to be pitied or fixed.


8. "Much of our society is hypocritical because they value abstinence and then can't understand when people prefer to be abstinent all the time."

Gender: Female
Age: 22
Location: Sydney, Australia

Q: Where on the Asexual spectrum are you? Can you explain what that means to someone who may not understand?

I am a sex-repulsed asexual, so I do not understand nor do I ever want to participate in a sexual act. It physically sickens me and makes me incredibly nervous.

Q: When did you realize you were Asexual?

It was only a recent revelation, as I didn't originally know it was something that was defined, and I'm extremely happy that I found out more about it.

Q: Whom in your life have you told and how did they respond?

I've told some close friends, my sister, and my mother. To me, they responded fairly well. I've not really had a bad experience from close friends, though I've had people who I don't know make flippant, offensive comments about it.

Q: What do you say to people who believe Asexuality is a myth or a mental illness?

I say that they're not being very inclusive. They don't understand it only because it doesn't affect them, and I think they need to sit down and really listen to the people that are asexual. We aren't a mental illness and we aren't able to control our lack of sexual attraction. Nothing they say is going to change how we feel. Much of our society is hypocritical because they value abstinence and then can't understand when people prefer to be abstinent all the time.

Q: Do you think awareness about Asexuality is important to teach in Sex Ed? Do you believe you can know you’re Asexual even as a child?

I think it is important to teach about all sexuality, some people don't know right away, but for those who do it can be a greatly confusing time.

Q: Do you ever wish you were not Asexual?

I often did, yes. However recently I've realised that I don't need the approval of others.

Q: What is the one thing you want others to understand about Asexuals?

That we aren't all the same, we're just as diverse as everyone else and it's offensive when you lump everyone together, but that we're just happy to have someone listen to us like everyone else.


9. "Having to force myself to have sex is really hard, and I try not to resent him. Me not desiring him sexually is hard for him as well, because he doesn't feel wanted."

Gender: Female
Age: 23
Occupation: Nursing Student
Status: In a Relationship

Q: Where on the Asexual spectrum are you? Can you explain what that means to someone who may not understand?

I'm sex-repulsed lithromantic. So, my entire life I've never liked someone enough to date. I felt a strong inclination to be a part of their life but nothing intimate. I strongly admire people in a platonic way. I've never liked sex and still don't. Anything and everything sexual gives me a terrible feeling in my gut. I can't even watch sexual scenes in movies!

Q: When did you realize you were Asexual?

I knew I didn't "like" people like how they liked me for as long as I can remember. I always knew something was different and not just because people called me out on it. I didn't find the term "asexual" until I was 14 or 15 but it just clicked.

Q: Whom in your life have you told and how did they respond?

I haven't told anyone in a serious conversation about it because they usually laugh or call me a plant. But for the most part I've never had any real talks about my sexuality with anyone because it's my life and I owe no one an explanation. You know? However, I do make it pretty obvious on my social media.

Q: What do you say to people who believe Asexuality is a myth or a mental illness?

All I can do is direct them to facts and information. Some people want to stay ignorant.

Q: Do you think our society pressures us to be sexual beings?

Absolutely! I can't count how many adults my age had sex when they didn't want it... they just felt like it was what they're supposed to do.

Q: Do you think awareness about Asexuality is important to teach in Sex Ed? Do you believe you can know you’re Asexual even as a child?

I knew I was asexual when I was a child, even when I was too young to have "sexual" feelings (even though I did not know of the term). I think asexuality should be included in the LGBT+ lessons, yes.

Q: Do you ever wish you were not Asexual?

Never. It's kept me out of many bad situations.

Q: What is the one thing you want others to understand about Asexuals?

That we don't need a doctor to "fix" us. That we are not abused and traumatized (in the sense that asexuality is a form of PTSD). That we don't think we're plants. That we cannot be "turned". That we're human like everyone else.

Q: What is your relationship like with your partner? Are they Asexual too? What challenges have you experienced as a couple?

My partner is very sexual. He knows I dislike sex so we compromise on how often it happens. He and I both know that if we become unhappy, we can just be friends. But so far it's working. Having to force myself to have sex it really hard, and I try not to resent him. Me not desiring him sexually is hard for him as well, because he doesn't feel wanted. And I hope he doesn't ever resent me for that.

Q: How do people respond when they find out you are Asexual and have children?

So far I haven't had any negative reactions! Yes, I'm asexual, but I still have a uterus!


10. "It can be confusing growing up being told that everyone definitely wants sex, and can potentially cause people to make bad decisions or feel like something is wrong with them."


Gender: Androgynous (equally male and female)
Age: 25
Location: Nebraska, USA
Status: Married & In a Relationship (poly)

Q: Where on the Asexual spectrum are you? Can you explain what that means to someone who may not understand?

Fully asexual panromantic. I explain it as a lack of sexual attraction (i.e. a lack of finding other people sexually desirable), but not necessarily a lack of finding people ascetically appealing or feeling romantic.

Q: When did you realize you were Asexual?

When I found out it was a thing.

Q: Whom in your life have you told and how did they respond?

My husband and most of my close friends/family. They were largely supportive.

Q: Do you think our society pressures us to be sexual beings?

Certainly American culture does.

Q: Do you think awareness about Asexuality is important to teach in Sex Ed? Do you believe you can know you’re Asexual even as a child?

Yes, because it can be confusing growing up being told that everyone definitely wants sex and can potentially cause people to make bad decisions or feel like something is wrong with them.

Q: What is the one thing you want others to understand about Asexuals?

That we're really just normal people.

Q: What is your relationship like with your partner? Are they Asexual too? What challenges have you experienced as a couple?

They are not [asexual], and it caused some problems before we realized it was my sexuality. One of the reasons we became poly was to take the sexual pressure in the relationship off of me, and it's been really helpful.


11. "I felt so broken until I found asexuality, and immediately I felt these [people] were my family. I wasn't alone anymore. I was so happy I cried."


Gender: Male
Age: 37
Location: Massachusetts, USA

Q: Where on the Asexual spectrum are you? Can you explain what that means to someone who may not understand?

I guess I'm a heteromantic asexual. To describe it to another...do you remember when you were a teenager and you first started wanting to make out but were not ready to have intercourse? I never outgrew that.

Q: When did you realize you were Asexual?

Two years ago when I was 35 and saw a documentary on Netflix. I was excited about sex until I first tried it. It wasn't fun or enjoyable (intercourse wasn't, but some stuff was), and after a while I thought maybe I was gay. When that was no better (and no worse) I started using the label bisexual. But I didn't fit in with gay or bi friends at all...it seemed others were always into sex, and I just never understood the appeal. I felt so broken, until I found asexuality and immediately I felt these were my family. I wasn't alone anymore. I was so happy I cried.

Q: Whom in your life have you told and how did they respond?


I am open about it on my online dating profile. No one in my life really knows.

Q: Do you think our society pressures us to be sexual beings?

Our society (U.S.) definitely exploits the libido of allosexuals, especially in marketing. Sex sells.

Q: Do you think awareness about Asexuality is important to teach in Sex Ed? Do you believe you can know you’re Asexual even as a child?

I think as a culture our Sex Ed needs to be more comprehensive and detailed than what I received growing up. We need to make sure to be explicitly accepting of all orientations, and yes, asexuality should be mentioned at least.

I think we're all asexual as children, some of us just don't grow out of it. Some of us seem to know our orientation very early in life, but most of us are not that fortunate, and it takes a little time and some experiences and exploration.

Q: Do you ever wish you were not Asexual?

I love who I am. I do know that being asexual has caused increased difficulty in relationships. I think it caused more than one breakup with someone I truly loved and wanted to spend my life with. Because of that, I sometimes wish I could change a little more than I can, but I haven't given up hope that I can find a more compatible partner one day.

Q: What was your relationship like with your partner? What challenges have you experienced as a couple?

When I was with a partner, they were not also ace, and it caused friction. My disinterest in sex was seen as a form of rejection and a lack of interest in them as a person which was not true. When we were sexual, I kinda zoned out/dissociated and took my mind away. This did not go over well.


12. "We aren't 'special snowflakes,' or 'looking for attention,' or 'dealing with internalized homophobia,' or 'broken,' or 'emotionless robots'... or plants."


Gender: Female
Location: Oxfordshire, UK
Age: 15


Q: Where on the Asexual spectrum are you? Can you explain what that means to someone who may not understand?

I'm completely asexual (feeling no sexual attraction ever, as opposed to demi, grey etc), so basically I've never looked at anyone and wanted to have sex with them. I'm sex-neutral, meaning I don't really care about sex - to be perfectly honest it sounds a bit icky, but I don't mind sitting through depictions of it in things I'm reading or watching.

Q: When did you realize you were Asexual?

I realised a few years ago when my friend (now girlfriend) told me she was asexual. I asked her about it and did some research online, which made me realise that the definition fit me perfectly. It summed up everything I was feeling, or, to be more precise, what I WASN'T feeling!

Q: Whom in your life have you told and how did they respond?

I've told my friends, who responded positively (barely any of us are straight anyway so it wasn't really a shock), and my parents, who are also really supportive. I don't talk about it much when I'm not online but if someone asks I do my best to explain. Online I'm much more open and seek out ace/aro blogs and communities to follow.

Q: What do you say to people who believe Asexuality is a myth or a mental illness?

I always try to stay polite and explain how asexuality clearly isn't a myth, since it's something so many people experience and that just because they don't experience something doesn't mean it doesn't exist. As for the mental illness comments, I explain how since it has no negative effects (other than negative comments from others) it can hardly be considered a mental illness any more than not liking chocolate could be considered one.

Q: Do you think our society pressures us to be sexual beings?

Yes, to a certain extent. Sex is everywhere - in art, in literature, in advertising... However, there is also a lot of pressure to simultaneously condemn sexuality (i.e. slut-shaming, repression, etc). It means that womens' bodies are then seen as sexualised objects, so 'logically' they must be covered up so that men aren't distracted by a shoulder that the economy grinds to a halt. It's ridiculous.

Q: Do you think awareness about Asexuality is important to teach in Sex Ed? Do you believe you can know you’re Asexual even as a child?

It's definitely necessary, because it means that asexual people won't grow up feeling like they are broken and alone. The education on sex as a whole needs to expand to cover different sexualities and experiences of sexuality. I don't really think you would know as a child; I certainly didn't.

If you were aromantic you probably would, since romantic feelings do exist in children in the form of crushes, but sexual feelings don't tend to appear until later. I suppose it depends what you classify as a child...If under age 18 counts then definitely you can know. if it means under 13 then possibly, and if under 10 then unlikely.

Q: Do you ever wish you weren't asexual?

Not really. It is difficult dealing with negative reactions online but the support and love from the ace community has been amazing. I can't imagine what it's like to not be asexual!

Q: What is the one thing you want others to understand about Asexuals?

That we aren't 'special snowflakes,' or 'looking for attention,' or 'dealing with internalised homophobia,' or 'broken,' or 'emotionless robots'...or plants. Enough with the binary fission jokes - they weren't funny when they were first made and they sure ain't funny now.

Q: What is your relationship like with your partner? Are they Asexual too? What challenges have you experienced as a couple?

My relationship with my partner I personally think is pretty awesome. Obviously we're only 15 so statistics say we are unlikely to stay together indefinitely, but our relationship is built on a foundation of close friendship, trust, respect, communication and never taking ourselves too seriously when we can help it!

We've been together about 8 months so far. She's asexual too, so we have always been on the same page in that respect and have dealt with the questions about asexuality together. Apart from coming out and the unbelievably awkward moments present in most first relationships (only exacerbated by having to explain asexuality to numerous people) there haven't really been any problems.


13. "I want others to understand that our relationship is just as beautiful as theirs."


Gender: Male
Age: 26
Location: New Delhi, India
Status: In a Relationship


Q: Where on the Asexual spectrum are you? Can you explain what that means to someone who may not understand?


Being a demisexual, I feel sexual attraction only to people with whom I have an emotional as well as spiritual bond with. In general, I have little to no interest in sexual activity. Sometimes I feel I have more inclination toward a completely non-sexual life where I can search the deep inner meaning of my relationship. If that develops, then sex can become part of it. But, in the same sense, it’s in no way necessary. With my partner, she has no interest in sex and that is fine with me because I just enjoy the intimacy of being with her.

Q: Whom in your life have you told and how did they respond?

I told a few friends, but I never told anyone seriously except my girlfriend, because I was always afraid to share it with anyone.

Q: What do you say to people who believe Asexuality is a myth or a mental illness?

I think asexuality is the true reality. We have over-sexualized everything by pushing the notion of 'sex sells' in our minds. Sex is not a necessity for survival; it's a pleasure tool that mother nature has given us to procreate. We have also objectified sexual experiences by saying that sex only happens when male genitalia goes inside the female genitalia. This drives me crazy because now sex has become such a transactional activity.

We need to deeply understand how we want to define 'sex.’ Do we want to define it by saying it's a one act thing (completely transactional), or do we want it to be an experience used to love someone and share feelings? If we go for the latter, then even sex as just one act changes into a series of acts which include hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc. Our society believes you can’t be asexual, even if you are only removing one of the many acts involved in sex. How silly! If you don’t kiss during sex does that mean you have a mental illness because you are avoiding one of the many acts involved in sex? No! You’re just human and it’s all completely normal.

Q: Is asexuality a choice?

Sexual attraction isn’t something you can control—either you have sexual feelings for someone or you don't. You can’t force it to happen and you can’t force it to go away, so you don’t have a choice in the matter. Sexual behavior, on the other hand, is something you can choose to participate in, or not. Some don’t want to and others do. But in no way should we frown upon either!

Q: What is your relationship like with your partner? Are they Asexual too? What challenges have you experienced as a couple?

She is asexual too! I have an interesting deep spiritual and romantic emotional relationship with my significant other. I do feel sexually attracted to her in lot of ways, but I know she doesn’t want to be with me in that way. Luckily, we both share the same love for cuddling, hugging, and passionate kissing, so I cherish those feelings and the emotional flow when we do that. I do on occasion try to take it to the next level but it completely depends upon how she accepts it. Sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn’t. Truly speaking, it doesn’t bother me at all. I actually felt better when she first told me she is asexual because our dynamics just work beautifully.

Q: How did you respond when you found out your partner was asexual too? Did part of you feel relieved?

As I said before, I have pretty low sexual urge and particularly speaking, I am uninterested in sex in the same way as my heteroromantic asexual partner. The thing that makes me different from her is that I am capable of feeling sexual attraction—it’s just that it happens to me after I have developed a deep emotional bond with her. So, seriously speaking I felt relieved when I found out she is also asexual; I felt more spiritual and I sensed unbounded love with no insecurities.

Q: What is something you want others to understand about your relationship?

I want others to understand that our relationship is just as beautiful as theirs. We appreciate how our mindsets are wired and we want others to respect them in that same way.


14. "I believe all sexual and romantic orientations should be taught in schools. It should be normalized."


Gender: Female
Age: 21
Location: Connecticut, USA

Q: Where on the Asexual spectrum are you? Can you explain what that means to someone who may not understand?

I'm a sex-favorable Asexual (and Lithromantic). For me this means that while I do NOT experience sexual attraction, I do enjoy sex or the idea of sex and am willing to have sex.

Q: When did you realize you were Asexual?

When a friend questioned me on my sexual history and sexuality. I realized I wasn't really sexually attracted to anyone and didn't feel the need to pursue the act of sex but wanted to and enjoyed the thought and idea of sex.

Q: Whom in your life have you told and how did they respond?

I've told no one yet but have put it on several bios on social media.

Q: What do you say to people who believe Asexuality is a myth or a mental illness?

Well that is their choice to see it that way. I can only accept that and should they want to debate or be convinced I can give information about Asexuality that proves otherwise.

Q: Do you think awareness about Asexuality is important to teach in Sex Ed?

I believe that all sexual and romantic orientations should be taught in schools. It should be normalized.

Q: What is the one thing you want others to understand about Asexuals?

Not all asexuals hate, are indifferent to, or are repulsed by sex. Some are okay with sex, love sex, are kinky, have fetishes, or participate in BDSM (not all of these are sexual but some have sexual undertones). Oh, and there are different types of attractions.


15. "We are only together still because we have an open marriage where she can go out and screw a million guys if she wants...she would leave in a second if not for [that]."


Gender: Male
Age: 43
Location: Buffalo, NY, USA
Status: Married

Q: Is asexuality a choice?

Absolutely not a choice. I wish I was anything but asexual. It is nothing but hardship in this sexual world.

Q: Where on the Asexual spectrum are you? Can you explain what that means to someone who may not understand?

Heteroromantic Ace. I can feel love and affection of another, even be in love, but have no desire for sex.

Q: When did you realize you were Asexual?

I knew I was different most of my adult life, basically after losing my virginity and finding that sexual intercourse gives me no pleasure. I went through the motions of having sex for my whole adult life even though I would never get anything out of it and find myself bored enough during sex that I could barely keep an erection. I didn't know what it was and did not know it had a name until 6 months ago.

Q: Whom in your life have you told and how did they respond?

I have told my wife. She did not take it well, but we have since worked things out and have found an agreement that works for us.

Q: Do you think our society pressures us to be sexual beings?

Most definitely. Society is so hyped up sexually that it makes life hell for asexuals. I feel assaulted by society's loose morals, perversions, and hyper-sexual obsessions every day.

Q: Do you ever wish you were not Asexual?

Every day. It would make life and relationships SO much easier if I was not asexual. It feels like an affliction.

Q: What is the one thing you want others to understand about Asexuals?

Most of us want relationships like other people but we are often so very lonely because most people want you sexually in return, and we can't offer that.

Q: What is your relationship like with your partner? Are they Asexual too? What challenges have you experienced as a couple?

My wife is a sexual being. It is very stressful. We are only together still because we have an open marriage where she can go out and screw a million guys if she wants and that's okay by me as long as she doesn't bring the sex into the marriage. She would leave in a second if not for the open-marriage. I am glad I don't have to act sexual with her and can be myself. We think this is an arrangement that works for us.

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