I’m struggling. I’m struggling to find the exact words to explain this feeling in my chest, along with the pounding in my head. I’m struggling to find the words that will make sense to someone who may not understand. My brain is consuming me and it has become a lot harder to fall asleep at night. It has become a lot harder to get up and welcome the new day before me. The warmth of my bed has cocooned me during my morning slumber, but at night, it becomes cold. Within this slumber, during the late hours of the night, I am haunted by the past and taunted by the future. I wake up in intervals coated in sweat. Those who have brought me pain appear and I am reverted back into the person I was within these nightmares. My voice becomes weakened and injustice surrounds me. The man who was supposed to protect me ends up damaging my story-line. He rips it to shreds so brutally and unconcerned. No remorse exists in this horror. I’m reliving it again. When I open my eyes, the world gets confusing and filled with colors that begin to strain my eyes. The dark colors represent the different obstacles and personalities we may deal with, but the vibrant colors are better. They’re more appealing, due to their light. The bright colors represent friendship and love.
Maybe my thoughts at night cause my brain to travel down a whirlwind path because I have finally found the time to stop. I discovered the time to look into the darkness and let silence fill the space between the cracks. The dark is a monster. When you’re younger, something never feels right about it. Discomfort exists. They say children are knowledgeable when it comes to whether someone is a good person or not, so maybe they’re letting us onto something about this darkness, as well. Though some of the colors may bring distress, there is something unsettling about the unpredictability that hides in the dark. The dark is the reason why I won’t let my feet escape from under the covers. It’s why I hug my pillow at night in comfort. It may be difficult for my feet to hit the ground in the morning, but the self doubt becomes more tantalizing at night.
I’ve kept myself going. I found my attention on being productive, whether it be within my classes, hobbies, work, and socialization. By keeping productive, I was able to silence my self doubt and the insecurities I had during the daylight. My attention was on things that were in front of me, not the ones that were lurking. Though this was true, there were times my ignorance of my issues during the day wavered. Something would be said or an action would play out where my paranoia started to take over. I would replay the situation within my mind to try to figure out what someone was thinking. I was unable to refresh my mind because the fear of disappointment and the fear of being unwanted came to the surface. The self worth I had for myself was being put in the hands of other people. Yes, I’m stronger than I was during the earlier years of my life. My emotional scars have healed, but my worries have torn them open. They are now able to be contaminated with the dangers of pain.
When I was younger, I had this feeling about what kind of person my father was. There were times I went to him for protection, but my dreams were unsettled by him. I watched this man become drunk and belligerent at a young age. I saw the fear in my mothers expression and became fearful myself. I remember my mother having to move the dresser in front of the door and my brother and I moving in closer to her. I remember her strength that she had for us, though she wanted to break. After the divorce, my father took custody, due to the emotional abuse and physical abuse that tore my mother apart. I still don’t understand why a court would give children to an abusive man, rather than a mother who was recovering from the trauma. What she was undergoing was not her fault. The man I was placed with, due to the unfair justice system, ended up being the color black. He ended up being the monster that I was fearful of during the night. A monster who was able to walk in the daylight and lurk during the night. When it came to others, he presented himself with charm. He hid his shade of black from those around him, but I could see it. As a teenager, I began to hide the shades of black and blue during the daylight that was placed on my skin.
He’s the reason why every step I make is so careful now. I fear the ground I have built will shatter with his release from his cage. As an adult, he appears in the world where I’m supposed to have the power to build a castle. I wake up with the pain running in my chest and out of oxygen. I have the power to understand what happened to me, but the hurt that was thrust at me will never be forgotten. He may exist in my darkest nightmares, but I won’t let him take over this path I have built in reality. His control may force his way into my dreams, but he won't alter the things I create during the hours I'm awake. For every rainy day that comes my way, I will shelter myself with the colors of the friendship I have formed and create an umbrella. For every stumble, the vibrant colors will become my net.
