Anorexia is not marvelous or glamorous.
Anorexia is not tragic in a beautiful way. It is tragic in a gut-wrenching, soul devouring, mind and body destroying way. It shouldn't be coveted because, the truth is, you'll never fully get away from it. And you'll want to. I promise you, you'll want to.
You won't wake up one morning and be okay.
You won't realize you're making a mistake and that you should most DEFINITELY eat that cheeseburger. You won't get better after one "intervention." It will take you weeks, maybe months, to be in control. It will take you years to stop thinking about not eating, and even then you have slips. Because Anorexia, like drugs, comes with an addiction all of its own.
Anorexia is a sneaky disease.
You skip a meal or two because you feel "fat" or "gross" and then it turns into going weeks without food. You don't see it coming, but it gets here fast. It takes control over your thoughts. It makes you feel crazy because all you can do is scream, cry, or sleep. You don't want to move. You don't want to eat. You have no motivation.
Anorexia is a toxic monster, in every single way.
It's sitting next to your little sister at the dinner table, knowing she's watching you drop food in your lap, but being too mentally absent to care. She looks up to you, and you know it, but you don't stop. You could ruin her like Anorexia ruined you, but you don't stop. You just keep dropping that food, pretending everything is normal.
It's convincing your mom, friends, everyone, that you already ate somewhere else so they stop asking you why you aren't eating. They trust you, so they don't even blink when you explain that you ate at school, or that you had a muffin in third period right before lunch. They smile at you and drop it, unknowingly allowing you to continue to destroy yourself.
It's staring at yourself in the mirror after a shower and hating every inch of what you see. You can't love yourself anymore, don't even know what self love is. You only feel disgust and hatred towards yourself...towards everything. You hate that you don't love your body, and you hate that you let it all get this far.
You are lost in the abyss that is an eating disorder and you don't see a way out.
When your secret is out, it's something else entirely. You lose your rights, freedom, privacy, and any trust anyone had in you. You have meal schedules and plans, you don't get to go anywhere besides school and home, and you don't get to do anything about any of it.
You are resistant because you feel that you didn't do anything wrong. You feel wrongly judged and wrongly punished and you're angry. You're sad and angry and confused all at once, all of the time. You don't understand why it's such a big deal.
But it's not just about you anymore.
You're family is being torn apart. Your mom is always crying. Your dad works a lot and leaves on the weekends because he can't stand to be around it. You siblings are doing wonderful things and no one notices because everyone is focused on getting you better. On making sure you don't die. You want them to stop fussing over you and to resume their own lives because this is ripping them in pieces. You hate it so much. You hate what you've done.
And it's not fair.
In the aftermath of Anorexia, you feel sick all of the time because you're eating so much more than you're used to. You have to buy new clothes and learn to love yourself exactly as you are. You have to accept that you are you, and there's nothing wrong with that.
You have to heal.
And you will. It'll take a long time, but you will heal. You will realize all of the thoughts you had were because of your illness. You will accept that it was never your fault. And so will your family. You will all be okay. You'll come out of it stronger than ever with an inspiring story to tell. A story of one person beating a monster- a true hero versus villain tale. You'll have beat the odds, and nothing will ever be able to hurt you like that again.
