Depression, it's a bitch.

Excuse the language but it's true.

Depression is one of the most common mental health disorders around. Due to this fact it seems like everyone has a "touch of depression" from time to time. Truth is, if those people actually were living with depression they would know it is not a touch, but a constant war where some battles are shorter than others.

The truth is depression isn't just being sad. It is so much more to that. I know people say that all the time, but it true. So here is what it's like for me living in a body that wants to live with a mind that wants to kill me.

Depression is wanting to get out of bed but not having the energy to do it.

Many think it is my way of being lazy or avoiding life and its problems, but it's not. When I have one of my "bad" days I literally cannot get out bed. My arms and legs feel weak. My brain goes through a process of thinking about everything I have to do that day but then my brain also tells me they don't matter. It's like you have no control over your body. I'm stuck. I'm frozen.

Depression is having no interest in the things you love.

I used to love reading. I have loved it for as long as I could remember. In fact, I taught myself how to tie my shoes by reading a book about it. My senior year of high school I read over a hundred books. Nowadays I'm lucky if I can get through one chapter a month. Books that I used to devour in a couple days take me months to finish. I don't have the attention span, the drive, or motivation to read.

Depression is pushing away loved ones so they aren't burdened.

I noticed that I personally push away the people I care about. I hate bringing them on the roller coaster of my depression. That's why I have lost so many friends in the last few years. It's easier to keep everyone at arms length then to bring them into this disaster. I hate how hopeless they feel because they can't help me. It's one thing for me to be suffering, but seeing others suffer because of me... That's hard.

Depression is having arguments with myself.

I'm constantly arguing with myself. Trying to give myself reasons to get out of bed. Scolding myself for not texting my friend back because it was too much work. Telling myself that I should be hungry because it's 9pm and I haven't eaten anything for the day yet. It's horrible. It's a constant battle.

Depression is feeling proud because you didn't end it all this time.

With depression suicidal thoughts are very common. They can come at the most random times. It can be a beautiful day, life is great, and this stupid annoying nagging feeling pops in my head. It's me making little comments about how everything would be so much better without me. How easy it would be to end it all. Sometimes depression is an asshole and will wait until it's beaten me down to tell me to kill myself. Those are the worst. I already don't have much strength and now I am fighting for my life. I have to start making lists of reasons to live. Usually that works but it's still so hard.

This is what living with depression is like for me. For others I know it is much worse or slightly more bearable. So someone please tell me this. This disease that makes you fight for your life, why do so many people romanticize it? Why is it so cute to take care of a sad person? Why is it so adorable to wrap someone in a blanket when they're sad and think that cures everything? When did mental health issues become cute and sexy?

Don't get me wrong, I am happy that mental health is being more widely accepted. However, it is now being turned into some fetish.

There is nothing sexy about feeling weak and helpless every day.

There is nothing sexy about losing interest in the things that make you who you are.

There is nothing sexy about fighting for your life each and every single day.

For those who are facing this please know you aren't alone and that it is okay that you feel this way. It will get better, some days will be better than others.

Please know that you are brave for feeling weak and helpless but still trying to function every day.

You are brave for losing interest in things but still trying to do them.

Most of all, you are brave for fighting for your life each and every single day.

Until next time,

Keep Fighting.