My depression started when I began my freshman year of college. This is the first time a lot of people are finding out I’m have gone through depression, so this isn’t easy. I had a lot on my shoulders by the time I started college. I had just ended my high school career, I had a boyfriend that I thought I loved, and I had a great group of people around me. One day, everything just went wrong. I can’t exactly explain it very well but one day I just felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and it wouldn’t go away. I eventually fell out of love with my boyfriend and we broke up. I blamed myself because there had to be something wrong with me. How could I love someone one day and then after a week not love them at all?
A week after the breakup, I started a college band camp. I met new people and I reunited with old friends. But I was still sad inside. The weight of the world was still on my shoulders and I still didn’t know why. So I started to numb myself with ‘The College Experience’ and that seemed to help me. Looking back at it makes me realized I thought it helped but it just numbed me from the world around me. I had no feelings for anyone, I was mean, and I didn’t care. I would often find myself driving in my car without a seat belt because I simply did not care. Or walking in the dark not scared at all because I just didn’t care what happened to me.
After a month or so of carelessness and numbness, I started feeling normal. Not myself, but everything that had changed about me was now just normal, as though I was never the person who 4 months ago was laughing at her high school graduation. I was just my different self and again, I didn’t care. My numbness all shattered when one of my friends took me to look for another friend who was ‘missing’. As in we hadn’t heard from him all day. He hadn’t answered texts or phone calls and he didn’t go to work or class. We get to the apartment he lived in and I look in a window and I see him. I hysterically inform my friends of what I saw and that’s about all I remember until I ask an EMT if he was gone. I had witnessed firsthand on what depression could do to someone.
Seeing what I saw did something to me. It’s hard to explain but not only was I sad all the time but I also never felt safe anymore. After this incident my ‘College Experience’ increased dramatically. And I started to care about myself even less that I had before. The next month was the 12th year without my father. I was a wreck on the inside but no one knew. I told my mother I was sad and I told my friends about my troubles. I went another month with no help and the weight on my shoulders got heavier and heavier. I remember the day in December I decided I couldn't take it, I had enough, and I was done.
Depression almost killed me. It almost won and I was almost gone. Depression doesn’t happen overnight. It builds up until there is nothing left in you. It takes your fight then it tries to take you. I don’t know what kept me going but I kept going. I decided to live and I decided to love myself. I met a guy that introduced me to God and everything slowly got better. I gained weight to where I was healthy again, my hair stopped falling out, and I started to smile and mean it. I still struggle with sadness but I have never felt that weight I had been harboring since. I went to counseling and I got on pills and guess what? They work. Help actually works. I’m that girl that was always giggling in high school again. I don’t feel alone anymore. All because I decided to try. After almost breaking the hearts of everyone I know, I decided to try.
I am not alone and I AM loved. If you are going through depression, I know how you feel. Don’t give up. Get help. You ARE loved and you DO matter. This storm won’t last forever. Repair the damage and remember what it takes in case another storm is waiting. You can do it. Be strong and never forget to love yourself.
