When I started my freshman year at college, I was excited to begin my journey all by myself. No parents to tell me what to do or when to do it. At first, it was a wonderful experience full of freedom and responsibility. Then school actually started early at nine in the morning. Before I even made my cup of coffee, the smell of hazelnut filled my entire dorm room. I reached for my phone, dialed the most popular number, and as soon as I heard “Good morning sunshine!” the fears about my first day went away.
“Good morning!”, I say as I stir in my creamer and sugar.
“How did you sleep?”
“I slept fine. Its different from being at home with you guys.” I didn't want to seem like a wimp and say that I missed them already. I’m a college kid now, and I’m supposed to want to be on my own. I kept it to myself while my mom continued cheering me on.
“I know sweetie but you'll adapt quickly. You're smart and you'll meet lots of friends in no time.” I knew college was going to be hard for me, and I knew she had high expectations of me, so I decided it was best that I just kept my mouth shut.
“Thanks mom. It’s funny how I almost never called the phone when I lived at home, but now that I’m away, I seem to call at least twice a day.”
“That’s usually how things work babe! Your brother did the same thing, and he's closer to me than you are.” My brother moved out of the house when he graduated a two year technical college, and is now living about thirty minutes from my mom. I’m about two hours away, and I have to say that I wasn’t quite ready for what was in store for me.
Before I knew it, it was time for me to go to class. I told my mom I loved her and missed her and said my goodbyes. I didn't even get to finish my coffee, so I put it in a to-go cup and brought it to class with me. I don't know if it was the nerves of starting college or maybe my ADHD medication not kicking in, but I couldn't focus on my first day. I sat in my first Statistics class of the semester, thinking of hazelnut coffee. While I sat in class I realized why I reached for my phone as I made my coffee.
I began tearing up as I remember accompanying my mom at the store, where we’d smell every sample of coffee, but always grab hazelnut in the end. She also had to get the classic roast for my stepdad, so the Hazelnut was our own special flavor. While my younger siblings were at school and my stepdad was at work, my mom would wake me up with a flicker of the light switch and a, “Good morning sunshine!” When I got out of bed, she would bring me a cup of coffee and would tell me to go sit with her. Even though it was summer, it was still cool in the morning, which made everything so much better. She works from home, so I had alone time with her, which I never really get because of my siblings. I only had a couple of weeks until I had to start college so I knew I needed to cherish what I had left.
We would sit out on the back porch for what seemed like hours, talking about family, my friends and their drama, and my boyfriend. One day, she began talking to me about her wishes for us after she passes. I didn't want to talk about it but she quickly told me, “Look, your brother and stepdad don't ever want to talk about it. There will come a time when I will die, and there’s no stopping it. It may even come faster than we all think. We just never know, so I would like you to know what I want when I do go, because I know you will respect it and follow it the most. You always seem to take initiative and responsibility when it comes to taking care of me, and I know you'll be perfect for this.” I hushed and listened to her ask me to help take care of my siblings, because my stepdad won’t know how to by himself. She told me that she would love it if we stayed in the home we have now, because we have family around us to help us. My mom has helped me with every difficult problem I have had to face and she has seen me at my best. She has held me while I have cried about boys and when I fought with my dad. Thinking of not having her with me was difficult, but I did it anyway. I found myself fighting back tears as she continued talking about things she wants after she's gone. I thought that conversation would never end.
I finally found a break in the conversation and told her that I would refill her coffee cup with more coffee. Usually she sits and waits, but on that day she followed me inside, and told me to put the mugs in the sink and to follow her. I did as she asked and walked into her room to see her with her jewelry box open, and antique jewelry on the bed.
“This bracelet was your Nanny’s. Your uncle Keith gave it to her as a present.” It was a gold bracelet that had ladder notches along it in rhinestones. She told me that she doesn't know if it’s real or not or where my uncle got it from. My uncle passed away not too long ago, leaving my mom with one sister left as close family. I always feel sad when I talk about my godmother, who was also my mom’s sister. She was the closest sister my mom had, and they did everything together until she passed away on my birthday about ten years ago. I don't remember much of her, but the stories my mom tell me makes me smile. My mom continued to show me jewelry from my great-grandmother and my MawMaw, who also passed away shortly after my Nanny’s death. After we looked at all of them, she put them in groups and told me what goes to John, my older brother, Paul, my younger brother, and Sarah, my younger sister. She told me to tell them the story behind the jewelry if she never gets the chance, and I promised to do so.
She picked up all the jewelry and put it all in the box, except for the gold bracelet. I told her she left one out and she told me to take care of it and reminded me that it could be real. I felt nervous keeping the bracelet, but I took it with me and I keep it close to me even now as I began college. I wore it to my sorority initiation ceremony, and also wore it at our installment banquet last November. I never thought that my mom would give me something so precious to her as that, and I always think of it as Nanny being with me in whatever I do. I know she would be proud of me for what I am doing with my life, and she knows I miss her. She used to tell everyone that she would spoil me and take me to the mall whenever I wanted. Its a shame I never got to experience that, but my mom does a good job of it on her own.
On the morning that classes started, I woke up at seven to give myself time to get dressed, eat breakfast, and drink a cup of coffee. I turned on the coffee machine and began fixing myself for the day when I heard the beep of the pot telling me it was ready for me to have some. I remembered going to the store a few days before and picking out the coffee grinds by myself for the first time. I stood there and tried to make a decision out of the dozens of Community Coffee flavors on the shelves. I thought about my friend Kelsey as I looked at the Pumpkin Spiced Latte flavor, and how she loves living the “typical white girl” life by buying anything that has to do with pumpkin at the beginning of fall. I spotted the French Vanilla grinds and thought about my stepmom and how she enjoyed drinking that flavor in the refrigerator “knock-off-coffee” as I call it. I decided to go with Hazelnut as soon as my eyes spotted it on the shelf. I placed it in the buggy and continued on to other big girl decisions.
