One of the most important things in friendship is honesty; full blown, holding nothing back, honesty, without holding grudges. We used to just speak our mind to each other without worry. We couldn't ever offend each other, even if we tried. Then, I started to feel like I had to hold back. I wasn't saying my full opinions because you were starting to hold those grudges, and carrying those words as though we couldn't be honest anymore. The new rule became say what I want to hear, not what I need to hear, or what needs to be said. To me, honesty is the most important part of friendship; especially if we are "best friends". If I can not speak freely without fearing your judgment, then I can not consider you a close friend.
You would tell me how much you missed me, but whenever I'd ask to hang out, you would say you couldn't for one of your various repeating excuses. You would come home from college for weekends and not even tell me, but then get mad when I didn't come visit you (although I had no car to get there). When winter and spring break came around, you spent it mostly with other people. Again, you would have excuses to not being able to hang out, yet when you asked, I would have to cancel plans just to ensure we'd actually get to see each other. I always had to have time for you, but you never had any time for me.
Hanging out with you used to be a breeze, it used to be like having a mimosa in the morning. It was refreshing, delightful, and stress relieving, just to be in your company. Like any great friendship should be, our time spent together was nothing short of laughter and light. Not only was physically hanging out with you enjoyable, but our phone conversations were comical as well. Yet, they started becoming judgmental, awkward, and uncomfortable. Our great times together eventually became what felt like just our obligatory duties to make sure we stayed in touch.
The most common saying you'd hear as child was "If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all". Out of all the years we were friends my favorite thing about each other was that we weren't like most girls. Surprising to most, we never talked bad about each other behind the other ones back. Anything we ever said about each other, we would and could say, right to the others face; and it was never negative. Again, the honesty was marvelous. However, after we had a falling out, being honest is what had gotten me in trouble. I warned you about certain people, and certain things that would lead you to trouble. You didn't listen, you blew me off, angry that I had said such things, treating you like a child you had said; and it had turned out that I was right. I had realized things about you that I was once blind to. I used to need you more, then I cared about any of the flaws, you could have had. But I had started becoming more independent, and started needing you to breathe, less and less. One day after the falling out, someone had asked me why we no longer talked all the time, a million things ran threw my brain but I had nothing to say.
You were always one to shift blame; in our case, to me. Therefore, it was no surprise, that when our friendship ended, it was my fault as well. You were my saving grace and I will never forget that. I will never forget our great memories, our countless pictures, and our zillion laughs. But we both grew apart. Despite what you might believe. Towards the end, we could tell there was an elephant in the room but neither of us had the concern to speak up about it. I texted you once a week, for a month, and never got a reply; I never texted you again after that. One of the major factors was, after awhile I would be the only one that tried, and if I stopped that meant no one was trying.You choose to let us fade when I stopped trying. Even after many months of not talking, I made an effort to leave us off on a kind hearted foot, but you tried to come back with vengeance, but I still carry all the blame.
I wanted to still be friends, and more then anything still be civil; and I still do. I just wish you could swallow your pride and know that it wasn't just me; it was you too. I would still do anything for you in a heartbeat and I am glad that God put you in my life. Without you I would not be here today.
