“Now every girl is expected to have Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.” – Tina Fey
Preach Tina, Preeeeacchhhh.
So here they are. All the attributes of what seem to compose the “perfect woman.” She sounds so beautiful.
Caucasian blue eyes.
Full Spanish lips.
A classic button nose.
Hairless Asian skin.
With a California tan.
A Jamaican dance hall ass.
Long Swedish legs.
Small Japanese feet.
The abs of a lesbian gym owner.
The hips of a nine year old boy.
The arms of Michelle Obama.
And doll tits.
No person who is attracted to females would supposedly be able to resist her. It makes me want to throw up.
Why? Because I will never look like this girl. (I’m not into plastic surgery, and my bank account isn’t into it either.) I can be fit, healthy, confident, beautiful, but I will still never be able to physically achieve all of these attributes.
We are in a trying time where your worth can be based off of your Instagram likes, and where physical beauty seems to trump all. And society and businesses prey on that.
Ads offer headlines that tell you that they have the “perfect flawless finish” for your skin. All of your blemishes will be magically erased! They taunt you with mascara that will make your eyelashes waver up to your eyebrows. Waxing and laser surgery that will make you smooth and hairless for weeks. Eyeliner that will stay perfect and cat-eyed all day, so your sultry sexy look doesn’t fade for an instant. Their exercise routine will give you a butt that Kim Khardashian herself would be jealous of. Or their push-up bra will give you boobs that rival Kate Upton’s.
Society offers an image that we believe will give us what we want. Because all of the things we want out of life seem to come from being attractive, right? And many businesses say they can give us that. But would looking like the ideal woman really give you the things you desire? "Friends"? A job? Materialistic items? Instagram likes as a minor form of self-validation? A significant other?
But what about the real things we crave out of life? Will it give you true love? An authentic, trusting connection with another person? A satisfying and fulfilling career? Purpose? Confidence? Self-worth?
Or are you literally buying into our societal and consumer driven idea of beauty? Are you wrapped around the pinky finger of these CEO’s and media makers? Eating out of the palm of their hands, begging for more so you can try to be perfect too?
It's hard to avoid the endless images that appear to showcase perfection. We are constantly surrounded by them. But a friend who I worked with on a documentary in high school said something that has stuck with me for years. “You have what you have. You have what you were given. And you have to work with it.”
Whenever I look at another person and I feel jealous of their pretty hair, body, legs, face, anything, that pang is unsettling. It brings you to a low place where you feel less than another person. But then, that quote pops into my head. I have what I have and I will never have this person’s physical attributes. Ever. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it. And why waste my time worrying about things that I cannot change?
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Now, I want to clarify. I’m not trying to harp on make-up, or trying to represent yourself in your best manner. I think putting your best foot forward is a good way to live your life. You should feel like your best self every day because when you take pride in that, you take pride in you. You get to decide what that means.
The trouble is when your physical appearance begins to take over your life and how you view yourself.
When you draw your confidence from your looks, this balloon below represents your confidence. This balloon is gradually deflating, just as our clocks are ticking and we're growing older and wrinklier with every second. Meanwhile, society surrounds you as a pile of needles waiting to pop your fragile exterior with insults and comparison, trying to convince you of what you need to look like to be “beautiful.” You are then susceptible to popping at the whim of whomever holds the pins, accidents, or time which is simply inevitable. True confidence is a protective covering you put over that balloon.
Attraction is a real thing. And attraction is necessary to make a romantic relationship work. And this is why it feels like "beautiful" people have an advantage when it comes to finding a relationship. People are easily attracted to them. But this attraction does not need to be based on what society thinks is beautiful, and the best relationships have very little to do with outer beauty at the end of the day. Have you ever admired or felt drawn to someone who wasn’t traditionally “beautiful” with the attributes listed above? There was just something about them.
That "something" is more often than not, the confidence to be themselves and not let their physical appearance define their worth.
So how do you achieve inner “beauty” or authentic confidence? Here’s a cheat sheet that has helped me in more ways than one.
+ Be yourself.
I know you’re probably like, “God, if someone tells me the answer is just to “be myself” one more time I’m going to lose it. What the fuck does that even mean? But there’s something to that.
I think that it means “listen to your gut.” It means listen to how you feel, your thoughts, and don’t be afraid to take ownership of them. You have to validate what you feel and think yourself, or you will always be at the will of those around you, and not everyone has good intentions.
+ Build yourself.
+ Take time to make yourself a person who you like. What do you value and admire? Friendship? Loyalty? Intelligence? Fitness? Compassion? Take those things that you value, and then always strive and work to live up to them.
+ “The quickest way to self-confidence is to do exactly what you are afraid to do.”
+ "You can tell who the strong women are. They are the ones you see building up one another instead of tearing each other down.”
+ Take care of your mind and body. Being fit isn’t an unrealistic standard of being attractive. It’s essential in the maintenance and care for your body to function optimally, physically, mentally, and emotionally.
And last, a poem I stumbled across the other day that struck me.
“I want to apologize to all the women
I have called pretty.
Before I’ve called them intelligent or brave.
I am sorry I made it sound as though
Something as simple as what you’re born with
Is the most you have to be proud of
Where your spirit has crushed mountains
From now on I will say things like, you are resilient
Or, you are extraordinary.
Not because I don’t think you’re pretty.
But because you are so much more than that”
-Rupi Kaur
There's no such thing as the ideal woman and you will never be her. There's just the ideal you.
