In light of many events that hit far too close to home, it's time. It's time to break the silence. I am a victim-survivor of sexual assault.
To get things started I want to say a few important things: I am not doing this for sympathy, I am not doing this for pity and I am certainly not doing this for attention. I am breaking the silence because it needs to be broken. Far too long have I been ashamed of myself; ashamed of what happened, and ashamed that I didn't do anything to prevent it. But the thing is that there really was nothing I could do to prevent it, but that's not what society has told me and many other victim-survivors. I have been told countless times and overheard conversations based off of other survivors' stories with comments like:
"But how much was she drinking?"
"Wait--she was wearing THAT?"
"She totally led him on, what was she expecting?"
"She was asking for it--and probably enjoyed it."
"She shouldn't have put herself in that situation, it's her fault."
"She should have fought back and stood up for herself."
The list is endless. All of these comments, all of these questions...none of it matters. All of these questions perpetuate the fact that our ideals are based on victim blaming. Who cares how much anyone was drinking? Alcohol did not perform the assault. Who cares what anyone was wearing? Scarce clothing does not equal consent. Who cares if someone was led on? Leading someone on is not synonymous with "Yes, I want to have sex with you". I can guarantee the survivor was not asking for it and no part of them enjoyed it. I can guarantee no survivor would ever put themselves in a certain situation had they known they would be assaulted--no one would. You cannot tell someone that they should have just avoided the situation completely, that would confine them to sitting in a safe bubble for the rest of their lives, which just isn't a possibility. As for fighting back, as for standing up for yourself...well, it's much easier said than done.
All of these statements have been continuously drilled into the minds of myself and every other victim-survivor. They have taught us that it is our fault and we could have prevented it. It brings about feelings of self-hate and shame. It brings about feelings of brokenness and worthlessness. It brings about preventable feelings. It brings about feelings that could have been prevented had we been taught and told that it is not our fault. Thoughts and feelings that could have been prevented, that could have helped the healing process. We need to flip the conversation. The only thing that causes sexual assault are the people who assault others. Rapists are the only cause of rape. Plain and simple. No ifs, ands or buts. No debate.
I am breaking the silence today in hope that we can change the conversation. I am breaking the silence in the hope that the next time a victim-survivor comes to you with their story, you meet them with compassion and you believe them no matter what. I am breaking the silence in the hope that the next time you hear people mutter hurtful comments, you interject and remind them that it is not, and never will be the victim-survivor's fault.
I am breaking the silence today in the hope of diminishing the shame that myself and many other survivors feel, the shame that has been pounded into our heads for so long. I am breaking the silence today in the hope to destigmatize something that carries such a strong stigma. I am breaking the silence today in the hope that I may bring awareness to sexual violence; it can happen to anyone. But most of all, I am breaking the silence today in the hope of starting the conversation to put an end to a victim blaming culture.
I encourage you all to take the next steps in ending a culture that teaches victim blaming. Show compassion, show support and stand with your survivors. Check out Break the Silence to educate yourself and become involved with photo projects, donations, and rallies. You can also take steps to end a culture that teaches victim blaming by checking out this website for opportunities in student activism, volunteering, donating, or simply learning how to be an ally.
