Good evening America. Tonight’s debate is brought to you by the Courtesy of the Red White and Blue network. We are humbled and honored to bring you live action from the first presidential debate at the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville, TN. Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Gary Johnson will come face to face for the first time this election. Ladies and Gentleman, It's time to tallboy up, let them tailgates down and man, it's on tonight, ridin' 'til the morning light, crank that country up loud, it's a small town throw down. To begin, we will allow the candidates to briefly introduce themselves. We will start with you, Mrs. Clinton.
Clinton: Good evening. As you know, my reputation follows me around. Just makes me want to give them more to talk about. Let’s go to town for a little while I’ll be wearing nothing but a pantsuit and a smile. Ain’t no use in trying to slow me down ‘cause you’re running with the fastest girl in town. I see the blue lights, we better run. Throw out the Blackberry and I’ll hide the emails. If he pulls us over I’ll turn on the charm. You’ll be in the slammer and I’ll be on Director Comey’s arm. Well I told you I was crazy.No I ain’t no body’s baby. Hey!
Trump: Hello my fellow Americans! I've been walkin' these streets so long. Singin' the same old song (Make America Great Again). I know every crack in these dirty sidewalks of Broadway. Where hustle's the name of the game and nice guys get washed away like the snow and the rain. There's been a load of compromisin' on the road to my horizon but, I'm gonna be where the lights are shinin' on me. Like a rhinestone cowboy; riding out on a horse in a star-spangled rodeo.
Johnson: Hey there, weird kid in your high-top shoes, sitting in the back of the room; I am
was just like you. Always left out, never fit in, owning that path you're walking in. I’m Mr. Misunderstood, Mr. Misunderstood
Question: What would do on your first day in the White House?
Clinton: I'll be at the door in ten minutes. Whatever
you pantsuit I , girl, I’ll stay in it. You ain't gotta leave the house to have a good time. I'mma bring the good time home to you Bill and I. We'll have a house party, we don't need nobody. Turn your email server off, break that boom-box out. We'll wake up all the neighbors 'til the whole block hates us (again). And the cops will show up and try to shut us down (again). We’re gonna be homebodies (again). We're gonna have a house party.
Trump: We'll build this wall
love from the ground up, for worse or for better. And it will be all you need
Beside us it'll stand, between
through the good and the bad. Mexico will give all that it has. And we'll build this wall love from the ground up.
Johnson: Sense no one will give me the time a day; I probably won’t make it to the white house so hey, I'm getting drunk on a plane. On my way home I'll bump this seat right up to first class
so, I can drink that cheap champagne out of a real glass. And when we land I'll call the media up and tell them to kiss my ass. 'Cause hey, I'm drunk on a plane
Question: The national deficit climbs to a record high every day. Poverty and unemployment is sidelining citizens. What will you do help the American economy?
Trump: It’s simple, just be like me. I'm a hard, hard workin man. I got it all on the line for a peace of the promised land. I'm burnin' my candle at both ends. 'Bout the only way to keep the fire goin' is to outrun the wind. I can't wait to get up in the mornin' and do it all over again. Well I'm a hard livin', hard workin' man.
Clinton: I am going to take taxes and raise 'em up. Raise 'em up trophy high. Raise 'em up to the sky.
Raise 'em up so damn high they can hear God singing along.
Johnson: Early monday morning to friday at five, you gotta work work work and you’ll climb climb climb.
The tax man can shove that government spending up his can. All I wanna do is put the budget in my hand. Fill it up then, throw it down, Work a forty hour week worth and your troubles will drown.
No need to complicate it, I'm a simple man, all you got to do is put the budget in my hand.
Question: What will you do with ISIS?
Trump: Justice will be served and the battle will rage. This big dog will fight when you rattle his cage. And you'll be sorry that you messed with the U.S. of A. `Cause we’ll put a boot in your ass. It`s the American way
Clinton: I knew they were trouble when they walked in so, shame on me now. Flew me to places I'd never been. 'Til they put me down, oh I knew they were trouble when they walked in.
Johnson: I’d tell them to mind their own biscuits and life will be gravy.
Question: What message do you want to leave to Americans as they head to the polls on November 8th?
Trump: We'll raise up our glasses against evil forces! Singing whiskey for my men, beer for my horses!
Clinton: Stand on the bar, stomp your feet, start clapping. I got a real good feeling something bad about to happen
Johnson: No Hillary, no Trump, no problems. Blues what blues..hey I forgot them. The sun and the sand and a drink in my hand with no bottom. No Hillary, no Trump, and no problems!