Emotions are not a stable or balanced marvel.

It seems as if humans put upon themselves a pressure to “feel” or grieve in a particular way. In movies, people can be portrayed as sociopaths if they fail to show a certain level of emotion or perhaps cry at a funeral. I am not suggesting that sociopaths do not exist, or people who appear to have no emotion cannot be dangerous, but there is such a fine line. I’ve known friends who show absolutely no emotion except when they are alone or who experience the “wrong” emotions in a given situation.

So often, I am baffled by the complexity of my own emotions.

Sometimes I feel I could break out into tears with a drop of a pin, other times I feel I couldn’t cry even if I got whacked on the nose.

A few months ago, I saw "Zootopia" with my family. It’s a very cute movie with a lot of real adult themes. I’m not sure if I was just impressed with the quality of animated movies recently, or if I was just dealing with some stuff, but I choked back tears within the first few minutes. I can’t even recall the first few minutes of the movie.

When I saw "Me Before You", objectively I didn’t think it was that sad or depressing of a movie. It’s hard to see someone so unhappy with their life, but it really wasn’t that sad until the end, even so, it had a satisfying resolution.

But I could not shake that movie off of my shoulders. It hung over me for days. I cried throughout it, I cried after, I cried in the car on the way home. The next day, I tried to talk about it in a calm and rational manner with the friend I saw it with, but I couldn’t finish the conversation because I was too overwhelmed.

More recently, I went to a Drum Corps show with a few of my friends. I was already feeling nostalgic being there, as my sister used to be in color guard and the environment brought back a lot of that. But within seconds of the first show, a wall of solid sound just soared at me, and there I was once again trying to hold back the tears.

I can hear a single chord of a song, or a single lyric, and break down.

I can watch the sunset, feeling so overwhelmed with the kindness and love I’ve received in my life, and sob uncontrollably.

I can be surrounded by the greatest humans and my deepest friends and be overcome with emotion and thankfulness. But a different day, in the same situation, I could feel absolutely dull.

I didn’t cry at my grandpa’s funeral until the very end, when I heard taps being played on the trumpets. I felt the weight of the weekend and I felt the grief, but I couldn’t express in the manner I thought I should.

I’m leaving for Fiji in 3 months and I have no emotions about it. Some days I’ll get a wave of excitement and anticipation and fear. But right now, I feel no excitement, I’m not nervous; I truly feel nothing. Some of that is that it’s still too far away to feel real, and partly I have absolutely no idea what to expect. But who’s to say what I’m feeling, or not feeling, is what I should be?

Every now and then, my friends will tell me something that scared them or that made them excited to be alive. Often, I feel their emotions with them, but other times my support feels forced and unnatural. I feel no elation or heartache to what they are experiencing. I wish this was something I can control, but it’s a very real situation that occurs more often than I would like.

There are countless factors that contribute to an emotion or a feeling at every instant. I believe life could be easier to manage if emotions were more consistent. But we cannot account for every element in this game of life.

Just know that there is no right way to feel. If you’re “overly sensitive” and easily triggered, that’s okay. Try not to let people’s judgements impact the way you emote. On the other side of the spectrum, if you don’t feel at all, that’s okay too.

Humans have a tendency to categorize the life they see around them, but you’re allowed to live beyond those black and white terms. Don’t think there is a right way or time to feel. I am often embarrassed by the intensity or lack of emotions I express, but there is no need to be.

Feel everything as it comes to you.