This summer I spent ten weeks with 550 elementary age children counting on me Monday through Thursday. I also spent ten weeks with forty-six to seventy-six middle schoolers, high schoolers and their adult leaders counting on me and my three teammates. I also happen to be a perfectionist. Quickly, my job which was to lead, teach and guide so many young people and their leaders became my biggest source of inner conflict and stress.

I was consumed with thoughts of how many things were wrong. The six programs I was running were never "right" in my eyes. There was always a scheduling issue or an unforeseen event. There was always the adult who did respond in a way I accounted for or a child who did not like the crafts we planned. I was trusting middle schoolers to lead 15 kids at a time. I was also trusting strangers every week to take charge of the vision I was leading.

I wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted to give the children what they deserved and they deserve so much! They deserve the very best of what we can give and more. I wanted to give the middle schoolers and high schoolers the chance to lead and learn. I wanted them to encounter God in visible ways. I wanted them to grow from this experience. I wanted the adults to walk away feeling happy and accomplished. I wanted all these perfect experiences but I could not control the way people reacted to their experiences. I also could not control that the teens would grow or that children would experience a "perfect day." In fact, it was rarely perfect. It was often a situation of variables and evolvements that did not fit into my definition of success.

That's when the breakdown of emotions happened. I was not able to meet my own standards of perfection. I was not able to control people's reaction and experience, which meant I was not able to guarantee perfection for their experience. Big shocker, I could not foster perfection for ten weeks for 600 or more people at a time. Yet, I was tearing myself apart for it.

That's what led me to question what do I do and how do I make this better? How can I fix the situation (a true perfectionist, always knows there has to a be the solution to any problem.)

The answer I was met with came with tears and an honest conversation with my boss. She sat me down and shared the truth. I am not responsible for other people's reaction or experiences. Perfection is not expected by anyone, but myself. The only one who thought I should give a perfect experience was myself. I placed those restraints and limitations on myself day one. Perfection became my cage and I was trapping myself away from happiness. I was pushing God away day by day in pursuit of perfection. I was isolating myself to try to create something impossible.

Perfection is a risky and dangerous thing. It seems like a good idea and in thought it kind of is. You do not want mistakes (who would?). But yet, it's rarely accomplished. Does that mean that everything that is not completely perfect is an automatic failure? Is that Bob Ross painting with an extra "happy tree" to cover a rogue stroke not beautiful still? Is the puppy with a spot on it's back not still very adorable? Where do we draw the line between failure and not completely ideal?

What if we did not define it by what it could be and instead focused on what things are. Did you do everything you could? Did you learn? Did you push through? Maybe that's the goal.

The weight of perfection can be crushing, not just at job sites but also with everyday life. It's nearly impossible to have the perfect college experience or score a one hundred on every test. Most of the time, people leave college with more than a few "bad grades" or less than ideal experiences. But who is to say that it was not still beautiful and amazing?

Learning to let go of my need for perfection changed the amount of anxiety and burdens I placed on myself. It changed my entire mindset. It was so worth it.