The closest I get to finals anymore is sitting in my apartment and writing an essay while simultaneously streaming the current horse show in the background. I watch all of the riders (juniors and adults) at these finals with envy—wishing I could be in their shoes. Wishing I could just go back in time to when I was a junior rider and somehow be good enough to qualify for Maclay Finals or Junior Hunter Finals or Pessoa Finals—any final really.

When I realize I can’t turn back the clock I sit there watching the Ariat Adult Medal Finals—wishing that were me. Wishing I had a lifestyle that allowed me to ride and show a lot more than I currently do. Wishing that somehow, in some alternate universe, going to three horse shows a year would qualify me for something—anything.

I miss the feeling of working all year for one class—for two whole minutes in the ring—and even that wasn’t guaranteed. You always ran the risk of something going wrong, but maybe that’s what I liked about going to finals.

You never knew what was going to happen. In the blink of an eye, anything could change. You could be called back to test over jumps, and maybe you’re asked to counter-canter jump three on your horse who absolutely hates to counter-canter.

Great! Wonderful, actually! You’ve fought long and hard to be there, so don’t let five strides of counter-cantering cancel out the 5,000 strides you’ve taken all year to get there.

And maybe that’s why I miss finals so much. I miss putting in countless hours to ride to the best of my ability.

I even miss feeling super nervous during every course walk, and then feeling all of that disappear when I walked into the ring with my horse. There’s no greater feeling than when you ask your horse to canter—putting everything you’ve worked for on the line. Putting everything out there, and giving it your all.

Measuring the distance to each and every jump, and planning each and every turn to make it as technical and smooth as possible. Standing on the sidelines with my trainer watching the other riders go before me—talking through our game plan one more time before I head into the arena.

When I was 13 going on 14 I had big dreams. I wanted to go to Maclay Finals, Zone Finals, NAL Finals—you name it—I wanted to go, and I wanted to win.

Well, remember how I said anything could happen? That logic isn’t limited to finals. I owned a wonderful horse for two years named Annie. I bought her with the intention of doing the 3’ Children’s Hunters with her, but I soon found out that wasn’t going to be possible.

So, when I was heading into my sophomore year of high school I started looking for a new horse that could take me where I wanted to go. I found my current horse, Blitz, who also happens to be my once in a lifetime horse, and things were great.

Until I realized that this horse had a lot of things to learn, and so did I. I spent the remainder of my junior years working with Blitz, and while I don’t regret it for a second—I only had the chance to attend a few of the smaller 3’ finals.

By the time Blitz was truly trained and where she needed to be—I was heading off to college—no longer able to dedicate every day to my sport or every other weekend to showing.

So yeah, I do miss the days where I could qualify for finals, and even though I only went to a few of the smaller finals I still miss it every single day.

I still have goals and aspirations in the riding world, and I have every intention of meeting them and working as hard as I can when I do get to ride my horse one or two times a week. I’ve even started a new workout routine to continue to stay in shape during the school year.

My finals days aren’t over for good—they’re just over for now.