Some of the greatest beauty is found in reciprocity. To both graciously accept and humbly give is the sign of a relationship, of sharing, of connection. One without the other is a mere transaction. And to reduce human communication or interaction to this alone is to objectify- even to degrade- the self, others, or even both.
Allow me to explain. In the healthiest and happiest of literal relationships- whether familial, professional, romantic, or platonic- we practice the give and the take. We offer our love, our time, our extra resources, and we receive love in various forms.
In the best of these relationships, this interchange is not an exchange so much as a vibrant, constant, almost indistinguishable connection that lives on its own, not as two separate actions but as a relationship.
The idea of sharing seems obvious enough. But we actually fail- on a pretty massive level- to truly share in most of our interactions.
In fact, often the most well-intentioned people tend to get the give and take a little bit confused.
For example, one thing that I often hear from the most humanistic people is that they love to hear people's stories. I absolutely adore this statement. It speaks to a glowing admiration for other people, to a wonder for the human person, to a selfless pride in the individual. And it is framed as selfless- this statement is wrapped up in the idea of serving as a listening ear. This is absolutely fantastic, and it is so important.
Indeed, in many cases, people want and need to be heard. In this case, we give our service and love by listening and take these human stories and the warmth of having been trusted.
But to expect, or even demand, stories from people while closing ourselves off to become a blank "selfless" person on the other side of the conversation, we fail to create a relationship. And this is harmful for both parties. It is harmful for us because we are not really cultivating a trusting connection; we fail to take care of ourselves. It is harmful for the other party because we are then using them for their words. We get to put ourselves on a sort of high pedestal where we are above the need to share but glow as caretakers that extend our arms over others instead of around them.
Selflessness that does not become a reciprocal relationship is unsustainable as a connection.
Think about the idea of service in a friendship. If it is all about how we can help and listen, that's great, but it would be so much better if we shared a relationship. If we made ourselves people, too. It's not that we need to overshadow with our own stories, too, or force people who are struggling listen to our struggles at the same time. It's more that we shouldn't run away from sharing something of ourselves in our efforts to be selfless. To truly serve others is to form relationships. And relationships don't mean being a blank slate that just receives. It means sharing a reciprocal connection.
