The holidays- a time when families gather to share their lives, to catch up with relatives who live thousands of miles away. Questions of boyfriends. wives, and friends come up constantly. Last year around this time, I found myself hiding. I had just been through one of the roughest times in my life and hid myself from my family. During the holidays my extended family would call and ask "how are you doing? How has your year been?" I found myself not knowing how to answer the question. "Thanks I've been doing horrible and I go to therapy once a week" didn't feel like something my grandparents from Vermont wanted to hear from their 16 year old granddaughter. I went through the holidays hiding. I hid my feelings, my emotions, and much of my life from my family.
But this year, it's different. I've spent the last year growing and learning. But one of the most important things I've learned this year, was my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), a diagnosis not many 17 year olds would wish for. But for me, it meant answers, it felt like a very terrifying hope, reminding me that I'm struggling, but also that I have answers and treatment options. Since then I've spent much of my time talking about mental health even more than before. BPD is not often talked about, and very often misunderstood. So I've spent the year talking. Talking about the time I threw up after a Cage The Elephant concert because of a panic attack, or being honest about why I was missing school on the days I couldn't get out of bed. Writing blog posts and facebook statuses, encouraging others to share their stories.
But why would I be thankful for something like this?
BPD means that I am constantly scared. Scared people will leave, scared something will happen to me or my friends and family, or that I everyone hates me. I procrastinate, panic, and use a chameleon-like strategy to blend into whatever environment I am. It causes unsureness and anger. But beyond that, BPD means I feel things intensely and passionately. I am passionate about my causes, about mental illness stigma, and LGBT+ rights. I love everyone around me passionately and hunt for the good in people.
BPD means I'm scared. But BPD makes me special and unique and me. But it also does not define me. Although I have this "disorder", something that not many people have, the struggles and the accomplishments make me the person I am.
So during the upcoming holidays, when my family asks how I am, and what I've been to, I don't have to be ashamed of what I've been up to.
If you or someone you love is struggling with similar things as what I've talked about in this article visit https://twloha.com/find-help/help-by-topic/ . You are loved. Your story is important.
