You are the only boy who’s ever liked me.

Maybe there are more, but you’re the only one I know of.

Whenever I think about you, my egotistical self is gratified. Thank you for assuring me that I am “like-able" because I frequently doubt that.

I don’t know what you saw in me. I hope it wasn’t superficial, but I'm not sure it could have been more than that. We didn’t know each other well.

You were too cowardly — or too wise — to tell me to my face.

Someone else had to explain to me. He likes you. But I was in denial. After that, our paths diverged and we never had another conversation. I'm thankful that I avoided the awkwardness of turning you down.

I didn’t want you to like me.

It’s been a long time. I’m sure you’ve moved on — I hope you have. Me? I think about those weeks way too much.

You probably don’t know how much you shook me.

Maybe because no new fellow has come along to occupy my thoughts. Mostly because no matter how much I’ve mulled it over in my mind, I can never find a place for it to rest. It ended in a gigantic question mark.

What does it even mean to “like” someone?

I learned that I’m more naïve than I thought. I learned that if I’m too friendly to a guy, he might start hitting on me. But also if I’m too shy toward someone I really like, nothing might happen. I know God’s sovereign hand is guiding my life, but it’s often hard to trust Him as I wade along the unpredictable, treacherous shores of love.

Three words that you never had the guts to say aloud.

Sometimes I wish I’d stayed in blissful ignorance, never learning that you liked me…it would have spared me so much emotional energy.

With three simple words, you shattered my peace.

Other times, I’m grateful for what you did…it stirred up my stagnation.

With three simple words, you left me flustered.

And all the what if's started swirling around me.

I never told my family about you because my rational self wanted to brush it aside as teenage drama. The logical me wanted to believe that this was only a shock because I’d been sheltered all my life. My practical self wanted to bury it behind me because I would never see you again, so why bother?

People like other people all the time.

I wish I could have dismissed it so easily.

Today I’m much more cautious and much more critical, because of you. God placed this flaring moment in my life for a purpose. I’m still not sure what it is, and maybe I’ll never know why the mere fact that you liked me sent such a storm into my spirit.

Perhaps because out of all the boys who could’ve liked me, I would never have suspected you.

Not in a million years.

Through it all, the Lord held me in His control. As I dealt with emotions and questions I’d never had before, He taught me what it means to depend on His adequacy and to surrender my future to His will.

As I struggled to make sense of this messy world, He cradled my heart and made me even more desperate for His grace.

As I grappled with this ridiculously small experience, He whispered that I could trust Him to take care of every detail of my life.

"For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." ~ Isaiah 55:9

So — if you’re wondering — here I am.

I still don’t have all the answers. I still don’t completely understand. I’m just hanging onto His faithfulness, and that's enough for me.