What living with anxiety is really like…
Recently I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder which is defined as a psychological disorder characterized by excessive or disproportionate anxiety about several aspects of life, such as work, social relationships, or financial matters. Sounds pretty basic right? Anyone can try to understand what I go through on a daily basis, but no one can actually understand until they’ve lived it. When I was ready to tell people about my anxiety, I heard everything from you’ll be okay to everyone suffers from it. But no, this is not the case whatsoever. Here is what it’s like living with anxiety.
You feel like you aren’t good enough and never will be. There is a constant, and I mean constant voice in your head telling you that you aren’t smart enough so you’re going to fail that test, or you’re not pretty enough so how could anyone ever love you, or you’re too short and your hair isn’t straight enough. What happens if I go to this party and everyone talks about me? What if my friends decide they don’t want to be seen with me because I didn’t dress right? Do these shoes match this shirt? Is this the write pen to use? What happens if my pencil runs out of lead, which means I’m not going to do well on this. Yeah, and that’s just the beginning. I’ve heard it over and over and over again, no one can love you until you love yourself. Well tell me how you could possibly love yourself with this voice in your head constantly telling you these things.
You stress about everything. And I literally mean everything. Did I turn my straightener off even though I checked it 20 times? What am I going to eat for dinner? Who am I going to sit with when I go to dinner? Am I going to be late? What happens if my alarm clock doesn’t go off. It’s literally a constant battle of not having the confidence. As a child, I was taught confidence and showed how to be a strong, independent person BUT anxiety seriously makes you into a totally different person.
You wonder if you even have a purpose. Because your best friend isn’t texting back, or someone didn’t smile back you wonder if you even have purpose in this world. I want nothing more to be a teacher someday, and with my anxiety I doubt myself. I wonder if I can be a good teacher or why am I even doing this I’m not going to be like the rest of them. I constantly have a battle with myself if I’m loved or why people even want to be around me. I lack self-esteem and question my worth almost daily.
Living with anxiety isn’t easy. It’s not something “everyone experiences”. Maybe, stress but definitely not excessive worrying like this. Although, I know none of the stuff I tell myself is true sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in that. I stress to the point my heart is beating out of my chest and I literally feel like I’m going to have a heart attack. I feel trapped in a box and I can’t get out. I feel like I’m drowning. Recently, I started telling myself you are safe, you are loved, you are worthy over and over until I can calm down. I pray. I breathe. And I live. I remind myself how worthy I am of beauty and love. I remind myself that I am a smart woman. I am a strong woman. Anxiety will NOT win this battle. I will.
