Everyone knows what it feels like to fail. They either fail at doing something or being something. Or they're in between being good at something, but not good enough to be satisfied with themselves.
In my case, I'm in between.
I have multiple pressures in my life that keep my sanity in check, but those pressures also have the ability to relieve my brain from any thoughts and tension going on from the rest of my life. One of those pressures is running.
Running has the power to make you feel like you either rule the world or you don't belong in it. I've had days where I felt like nobody could touch me. I would be on cloud nine. Then there are days where I'm questioning my self-worth as a functioning human being. It abuses me but it rewards me. It doesn't always give me what I think I deserve, but I always hope that one day I'll get it. So I continue to press on.
On the bad days, I hate who I am. I become this self-centered negative monster that even I wouldn't want to be around. But I can't help myself. It's how I cope with it. I don't like to talk to anybody, but know it's good for me to talk to others to take my thoughts off of it. I get so invested in the negative monster inside of me that I almost like to have him there — just so that I can feel the way I want to feel.
Forcing a feeling isn't something anybody likes to do — but when your mood affects those around you, you can't help but paint a smile on your face and push the bad day down into your stomach.
I've been having a lot of bad days in running lately — something I've always been good at, but not enough to be really good at just yet. It's frustrating. That's why I cherish the good days because I'm starting to have less of them. I'm positive that if I press on, I will have them more than once in a blue moon.
Not being good enough at something is frustrating in itself — in a sense of expectation.
We expect ourselves to reach certain standards. We create these standards because we know how we function as individuals. I personally have specific goals that I want to reach because I don't expect any lower from myself. I want to make something out of myself and I'm sure many people feel this way as well.
The thing I'm learning is this: Goals aren't always met. The only person I'm disappointing is myself. And it's only hard because I care so much. The day I stop caring is the day I will quit. I guess it's as simple as that.
