Flashback to five years ago, every guy in sight was trying to get in shape and workout as much as they could. If you were a guy, you were probably grinding to please the high expectations of the ladies. Now, I do not hate on the "getting in shape" part, that is completely up to whoever would like to do that. However, I can hate on the "getting in shape for the ladies" portion. For me, there is nothing more ridiculous than getting in shape to please the wants of others. If you want to be fat, be fat. If you want to be in shape, be in shape. If you want the perfect mix, shoot for the dad bod. In this article I will teach you what the dad bod is, how to get said dad bod, and most importantly, how to maintain this perfectly mediocre stature.
Before we start, there is something that everyone should know. First, this article falls under the category of "Lifestyle" because possessing a dad bod is absolutely a lifestyle. Second, there is no such thing as the perfect dad bod. Dad bod's come in all different shapes and sizes. Take me for example. My dad bod has all to do with the past. Since I used to be a below average athlete, all the work that I had to do in the past has set me up perfectly for a dad bod. I used to be in decent shape and that has given me a great foundation for my dad bod. However, I also have the genetics for a dad bod. Although my father did not bless me with the size to be a pro athlete, he has blessed me with the body to be a pro dad and for that, I salute you Stephen Campbell.
The dad bod is a very rare piece of art, often compared to the "Mona Lisa" (often is a very relative term here). For one, you have to be half in shape and half out of shape. This task is closer in difficulty to a half court shot than it is a lay-up. This means a gut that says, "Look, I am not here to show off, but kids love to give me hugs cause of how soft I am." Any kid that has ever hugged a dad knows exactly what I am talking about. So that goes for nearly all of the people who read this, if you hate hugging your dad, then you will hate the dad bod. A dad bod also conveys an attitude of someone who is approachable. If you claim you have a dad bod but walk around pissed off, chances are, you may be a little past the dad bod. Now, getting back to a dad bod is no easy task, but if you are upset about having a dad bod, you probably made a few too many stops at the soft serve dispenser in Barone. As you can see, a dad bod is someone who is approachable, not (that) fat, and someone who is great with kids. Let's see if we can learn about how to get one of these treasured bodies, and if we can maintain it.
Now that you know what a dad bod is, let's learn about the steps to having and maintaining one. First, if you already have a dad bod just admit it. If someone says "What dude!? I don't have a dad bod!" then the chances are they have a dad bod. Just accept it, the dad bod is a growing phenomenon, my friend. If you can overcome obesity and can't overcome a 20-minute jog, it is time to settle and embrace the dad bod. To maintain this sculpted body, you will need a few things. The first is a gym membership that is used once, twice if you really feel like a kid again, a week. Many people get gym memberships and say "Yeah! Lets go every other day and get in great shape!" This is not what someone who seeks a dad bod says. They would say "Cool. We will go there when we feel like we are getting a little too fat and get a little less fat." Typically this is on a Tuesday or Wednesday when the festivities from the previous weekend really start to set in.
The second thing you need to maintain a dad bod is the illusion that you are in shape. This means a slim neck and maybe even a size larger shirt. These two things can deceive anyone into thinking "Wow, that guy is in pretty good shape." To those who think that, you are terribly mistaken. We are not in good shape, we just know how to play the part. Deception is key in the process.
Lastly, a dad bod needs the proper diet to be maintained. This means a few things. A salad a day to say to people "Hey, I know I have a dad bod, I am trying to fix it." This is the biggest illusion of all. As soon as you accept the fact you have a dad bod, you immediately fall in love with it. The salad isn't for the person with the dad bod, it is for the people looking on and showing them that you may or may not be trying to get into better shape (we are not). Another thing the dad bod calls for is dessert. Nothing says dad bod like ice cream after a meal at Barone. Everyone in Barone wants to get ice cream, that is a common fact. Not everyone in Barone is brave enough to get ice cream and that is where all the dad bods unite. We all dive right in and say to each other, "Hey, if we don't eat it, then who will?" As you can see, obtaining and maintaining a dad bod is no small task. It takes precision eating, a gym membership you don't really use, and a size larger shirt to really hide that beer belly.
Flash forward to today, most guys are doing what they please while maintaining the perfect body that women can love. For those guys that are in great shape, I commend you on your efforts but I shun you for your stupidity. Let it go fellas, the dad bod is in while being in great shape is out (I say great shape cause we are still in dad bod shape). To all my fellow dad bods out there, let's get a beer sometime. To all those who are in great shape, go drink a protein shake ... hardos.
P.S. - I would like to trademark the phrase "Dad Bod Shape." Someone please tell me how I go about doing that.
