What causes us to lose hope?

Better question - how do we find our hope again after it has been lost?

......or if we do in fact lose our ability to see past the trials we face

- are we destined to be the dark and twisty ones forever?

I didn't know how shitty my childhood was until my brother died. The bullshit that preceded his death seemed normal to me, that was just our life. It's not that I tolerated living in a bad situation,

I just didn't know any different.

When people told me how resilient or strong I was - I realized something in my life was different then in their's.

I started to resent myself.

I didn't want to be resilient or strong, I just wanted to be a kid with a brother who didn't have drug issues-

who became a sister with the brother that overdosed.

My mom and dad started fighting.

Everyone told me "hang in there".

So I did.

I was resilient. I was strong.

My dad moved out.

I was resilient. I was strong.

My mom started to drink a lot more.

And then she died.

I kept being resilient. I kept being strong.

I kept "hanging in there".

Except for - not really. I gave up on any dream of my life being more than the series of unfortunate events that framed my first eighteen years.

I lost misplaced my hope.

And for a while, that's pretty much how it went. You can't expect things to turn into sunshine overnight - don't forget, the dark and twisty people always have some serious skeletons in the closet (kidding...sorta).

7 years later, I'm starting to realize that my life is only beginning.

We have no control over our circumstances, but we can control if we face them with strength and resilience or fear and defeat.

We can keep our heads up, be good to one another, kick ourselves in the ass, and look for that tiny ounce of sunshine - even when the outcome seems impossible.

My journey so far may not have been the easiest ride, but I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't gone through it.

It has taught me humility and how to channel my passions. It has taught me how to speak up for others and for myself, how to love without failure, and how to make time for family above anything else. It has shown me the things I want in life are not dictated by the hurdles someone may place in front of me, but rather - how hard I am willing to work at jumping over them.

Most importantly of all - it has taught me that I am a human. I am going to mess up but learning how to admit when you have made a mistake comes with growth. Every choice I make in life is something I reflect on.

Something I find myself consistently asking if it makes me a better person.

The person aspiring to be a role model for the girls just like me.

The ones who are resilient.

The ones who are strong.

The ones who are "hanging in there".

Because eventually, they will find out the truth - we shouldn't have to be that resilient and strong. But at least know you're not alone, and yes - it does get better.

So don't lose your hope. Don't you dare give up. Don't ever settle for anything less than everything you ever dreamed of.

No matter what happens, there will come a day when the sunshine comes back.

And damn - it is worth it.