Every athlete has a moment in their life when they decide not to play anymore, whether it be because their body physically can’t take it anymore or they need to prioritize other things in life or they fall out of love with the game.

For me, my love was taken away by one of my high school soccer coaches. This coach put her own goals ahead of her own players. And that’s fine in the right situation, but when the team is now pitted more against itself and their own coach than their opponents it becomes an issue.

And that’s where my love for the game started to fade, which is something I blame you for. I absolutely dreaded going to practice every day after school. And game days were even worse, now I didn’t mind riding the bench my last 3 years, it happens. Someone’s got to do it. But to go from being highly praised as a freshman to being made to feel like garbage every time I talked to you. It was deflating. And to be told to warm up the last 5 minutes of every half to make it in for a minute or two on a good day was embarrassing as a player. Because if you’re only going to play 11 girls why not cut the other 4 you keep just to stand (that’s right stand, we didn’t even get the luxury of sitting) and pretend to be engaged in some game they know they’ll never get a chance to play.

It was a combination of your attitude and actions that lead to my own admittedly poor attitude not long followed by my poor effort. What was the point? You would continue to tell me no so there was no point in putting in maximum effort. I felt that I was continually told no and that I wasn’t good enough. It became hard to love the game, every time I stepped on the field I felt like a screw up, why did I want to love something that just caused me pain and to feel bad about myself? I continued to play through my senior year of high school but it wasn’t with the same fire and desire that I’d had in the past. Now, this certainly was a personal choice, but it was made easier by the lack of support I felt from my high school coach.

I hate that quitting was a relief, but it was a necessary one. And I hate seeing it happen to other girls. A coach ruining someone’s love for their sport that they’ve poured their heart, soul, time, and money into, and doing it so easily without regard for the player is just plain awful and sad. I get that you wanted to win a state championship in 4 years, but that’s not always the way the cookie crumbles. And I personally am not sold on the idea of seemingly crippling an entire program just for your own personal gain. I’ve always viewed coaching as a somewhat selfless thing. Sure, you’re still hanging on to your own love for the game, but I always thought of it as also cultivating another generation’s love along the way. And when the exact opposite is happening I think therein lays the issue.

I wish I hadn’t felt the need to write this article, but soccer for me had become such a huge part of my identity and having you as a coach was just the beginning of me having to figure out something else to call myself besides a soccer player. And now I’m so much more than that. I just wish my road to get to this point wasn’t so bumpy.