Many people consider mainly the heart to be the biggest trouble maker of all. But I disagree.
It’s because the brain can be a pretty damn good thief.
Last Wednesday when I lied down next to him, I felt a sudden flash of fear race across my mind followed by a “What if he doesn’t love me?”. All hell breaks loose and I lose all thinking except for “He will leave me”, “He hates me”, and “I am the worst”. I sob as quietly as I can but he notices. I can’t tell him the truth so I blame it on mood swings.
It has been a month since I last saw her. It’s difficult because she’s studying abroad a thousand miles from where I am. But we keep in touch almost daily and it made being unable to see her bearable. I text her and comment on and share and like every post of hers on Facebook. The rush of communicating with her was amazing until it happened again. The rush was gone and in came a heavy crushing need to isolate myself from everyone, including her.
Before the recent snowstorm was a beautiful spring day and I left the house feeling positive as I ever could have. I always say fall is my favorite because it is as warm as spring without the accompanying allergies but spring days are secretly my happier days. I looked at the sky and smiled until twenty minutes later on the subway, the warmth was gone and I was miserable again. I felt violated. Spring days were supposed to be my haven against whatever my brain could throw at me. Yet, I still felt cold while the good weather warmed up the train I was in.
I know I don’t deserve much in life but I still want to be able to not ruin the love I have for them and feel happy. I want to not fear that sudden crash and resultant meaninglessness while everything in my life is going fine. I am tired of spending time weekly with my therapist making sure I am stable. I need to have my brain to stop me from hating school even though I love what I am studying to death.
I could see why people get into so much trouble because of their hearts but my brain is stealing everything from me. Love, happiness, time, motivation. Every day takes me twice the effort to function normally. I’m not saying that this is an excuse to stop thriving and trying to be happy.
It’s just that it’s so much harder.
Unfortunately, it takes time to stop a thief.
