To The Boy Who Tried to Break Me With His Words

Remember me? Of course you do. We were lovers, then friends, then lovers again. Friends who couldn't stop loving each other. We've been to hell and back together, plenty of times, and we never let each other go.

So why do you hate me so much?

On those days when you felt too much, nights when you drank too much... Why did you hate me?

You make me feel like I am hard to love. Too sensitive, too passionate, too opinionated, too headstrong. I cry too much, feel too hard, and laugh too loud - according to you. You tried to make me feel that everything I am, is a flaw.

I remember the look in your eyes, full of hatred, on the nights it would get really bad. The words hit me like a train - partly because they were awful, but mostly because they came from you. My friend. My first love. A person who was supposed to know me better than most.

You called me miserable.

And I had to ask myself if you were right.

You called me a waste of life.

And yes, I questioned my entire existence.

You told me I was pathetic.

And for a little while I wallowed in self-pity.

You promised you were happiest without me around.

And I wondered why my presence wasn't worth anything.

You told me that you hated me.

And I believed you.

You called me everything but my name.

And when I cried, you laughed.

We have always promised to find our way back to one another. From 13 to 21, we swore we would get married, we swore our love would never die. Soul mates, spirit partners, born for each other. We were family, that's how much love we had for one another. So I'm writing this to let you know that that's over, it's cancelled, it's water under the bridge.

I will never allow myself to settle for someone who can treat me the way that you can. I can no longer make excuses for the way you speak to me. "Oh, he was just mad." "It's okay, he was just drunk." No. You are threatened by all the potential that I have, so you try to blind me of it. I am not miserable, but you might be. I am not pathetic, but the way you treat me is. And as difficult as it is for me to admit - I am happiest without you.

Just because you aren't swinging a fist, doesn't mean it's not abuse. Words hurt. Mental abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse - these are real things. Just because your words don't make my skin black and blue, doesn't mean they don't leave my spirit bruised. When someone tells you that you made them feel this way, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

So to you, the boy who tried to break me with his words:

I'm working on forgiving you from a distance, for my sake, not yours. Your presence in my life has become toxic, and this is a realization that I have been trying to ignore. I hope that someday you look at your younger cousin, or maybe even your future daughter, and imagine someone demeaning them the way you do the girls in your life. I know I'm not the only one who has encountered angry you, drunk you, or worse - drunk and angry you.

I am outgrowing you, and you hate me for it. I began to swim in self-love while you settled for someone else. I'm alone, yes, but I am happy this way. The way that you took my insecurities and my faults that I trusted you with, and turned them into daggers to make my spirit bleed has given me a new type of trust issue; but I’ll fight like hell before I let you and your ways hold me back. It was your words that ended our relationship, and your words that have now ended a long, cherished friendship.

And you'll be angry. You'll try to bash me to whoever will listen. You’ll blame me for our falling out and victimize yourself. You'll call me petty for writing this, jealous, insecure - whatever helps you sleep at night. There are people who need to hear this; there are people who need to learn what I have learned.

So the truth is, I'm okay. Not alright, just okay. Not jealous, not petty (maybe in real life, but in this article, no). My hands, my head, and my heart have grown exhausted of trying to hold on. So I am letting go. I'm a little scared, a little heartbroken, a little discouraged, but I am also very excited to leave this entire situation behind. Though the relationship we had meant the world to me, it's become a burden too heavy for me to carry. Although you tried your damnedest to weaken me, all you've really done is made me stronger.

I'm sorry your words didn't break me this time.