In a relationship there is always the fear of being the one that loves “more,” because if you’re the one that loves more, then you’re going to be the one that gets the broken heart. That was the case for me in my last serious relationship. We were the classic Tinder story. Met on Tinder. Spoke on the phone for three hours before meeting in person. Hung out. Started dating pretty quickly and I fell madly, deeply in love with this man. The year that we dated did not consist of roses and candy, but it was an emotional rollercoaster. It was one that I didn’t think would ever end. We had similar interests and I loved developing these common interests with him. I would stay up all night giggling over text messages as he was working third shift (even if I had class the next day). I held his hand when he told me heartbreaking stories and I rubbed his back while he slept. I also screamed at him in bar parking lots because I felt what I know now is for certain, that I was the one that loved more. I made excuses for the way that you chose to “love me.” I bent myself to fit into your life schedule, when you never tried to make yourself a staple in mine. I was the one that said “I love you” and meant it. You were the one that said it when you were never for certain. To hear the words “I never loved you” when you are planning to move to a different state with this person is devastating and heartbreaking. You learn a lot about yourself but you also forget yourself too. You forget your self-worth and you forget how to trust people. To be broken to the point where you watch your future crumble in front of you and there is nothing you can do to pick up the pieces causes you to think and feel unimaginable things. I felt empty for a very long time. I moved out of state to see if that could help fill the void because I was supposed to be moving out of state with you. I continued to be your friend – despite everything that you said in those last few weeks -- because I could not imagine a life without you in it. I wasn’t ready to experience that life without you.
I am writing this because I am ready to tell you that I forgive you, I am OK and I am also sorry. I did not write this to be seen as a victim because we both need to apologize for different reasons. I am sorry that I did not let you go sooner, I am sorry that I tried to hold on tighter when I felt you slipping away, I am sorry that I tried to make you love me and I am sorry that it has taken me so long to actually write this. I forgive you and I am glad that we are able to still be friends. I know that you breaking my heart was not easy for you. I watched you cry about it when I cried over the pain it was causing me. But I also heard your emotionless voice when you told me you never were in love with me. Those words will linger in my heart and mind for a while. Not because I still want you to love me, but because those words are ruthless and mean. That line can change a person for a very long time and this is something that you do need to realize.
To the Boy Who Said I love you and Didn’t Mean it.
You are forgiven but your words will not be forgotten. Thank you for allowing
me to realize my self-worth independently and thank you for teaching me that I
am more important than having someone that will love me. I am now a more honest
person and I know what I want in my future. Thank you.
Sincerely,
The Girl Who Loved You & Meant It.
