Have you ever felt like life was going in the right path for you, and nothing could possibly bring you down? And now, all of a sudden you start to revert back to your old behavior and habits?
Life was going great for me since June 2015. I finally got the help I needed after suffering a mental breakdown, and I am taking my medicine every day. I have not cried in a long time. I was able to improve my social life and gained the courage to get a cool internship. Even my grades were doing so well. I thought I could keep this up. However, I am feeling depressed and somewhat hesitant towards situations that may affect my future.
I have been feeling melancholic for a few months now, and I thought I could let time heal everything and pick myself up. But, things have been slowly spiraling down even further lately, aside from politics.
This habit has been an issue for me throughout my life, but since therapy, it has not been a problem until recently. For many months, probably around November, I keep looking at people's faces and looks (mainly physical traits like height) and compare them to mine, and I say to myself, "Wow, I wish I was that attractive and tall." Maybe, you can relate with me to a certain extent or more. It is a terrible habit to do, and negative self-talk is not good; however, for me, being romantically and intimately alone for many years made me developed this form of self-hate for a long time. Personally, I feel my personality alone cannot be enough, and I need a combination of both looks and personality. Because of that, I keep looking down on my looks and feel the lack of confidence. I absolutely dislike my physical image. I don't feel attractive at all.
This behavior poured over towards my social life now. Basically, all my friends are really attractive and super cute. It's nice to hang out with them, and I love them, but deep down, probably in the back of my head, I cannot help, but notice how pretty they are, both girls and guys. As a result, it's driving me somewhat insane and jealous. Then, to add insult to injury, some of them would talk about how attractive this particular person is, and that he or she is this or that. "Boy, I would love to have those physical traits." It is almost as if they are saying, "Look at all these luxuries you'll never get in your life." All I could do is smile, but my mind is filled with melancholy. Every day, I feel extremely mediocre and shi**y.
Since all of my friends are attractive, something inside me wants me to hang out less with them and just be alone. Back then, I had a terrible habit of placing value on people. If I find something that I was not fond of, their value goes down, and I find ways to avoid them or express my disappointment towards them. Now, it's like I'm placing value on myself, and that if I'm not valuable enough for them, particularly my looks, I guess I'll just be alone. Of course, they probably do not care about that, but these are my feelings, and it is a personal battle I'm facing right now. It is not their fault that they're attractive, and it is not my parents' fault that I am not attractive. I think I am cursed by some kind of Supreme Being with mediocre looks because I probably did something horrible in my past life. Who knows? I am trying so hard to come over the top.
Most nights are the worst for me. They are usually the quietest, but because of that, I am stuck in silence with my insecurity thoughts running around in my head replaying over and over again until I fall asleep. I guess it's a cycle. Fall asleep feeling physically mediocre, then wake up feeling physically mediocre. I could play music to drown my inner demons, but sleep becomes much more difficult. I have to sleep in silence.
"You're not attractive."
"You are not decent looking."
"Look at your friends, and now look at you. Stop degrading their image by being there."
"You're too short."
"You could probably have a relationship by now if you were tall, but you aren't."
"Boohoo, you're short, and you don't have the power to change it."
"You are not attractive, Rob. You just aren't, and you can't do anything about it."
When these thoughts come out at night, I feel like I am slowly being eaten alive. I toss and turn trying to think about something else, but I am right back at it again with the negativity. Then, I try to cry, but because of therapy and medicine, it is quite difficult to take action. As a result, I lie down there feeling horrible and dead inside, but I cannot express them physically at all. It's like being kicked and paralyzed when you're down. My "emotionless" emotions are like a rope tied around my whole body, and crying is the best way out. I am trapped by my own self.
Right now, I am starting to feel stressful. I am still working in an internship, and still going to school. I was able to handle it last semester, but it feels different now. I look at the syllabuses for my classes, and it annoyed me. I guess you could say it is normal, but judging my old mental habits, I was not the one to control my emotions well. Before therapy and medicine, I was one to overreact to situations. I look at all the work that I have to do, and I just really want to cry. Valentine's Day was a few days ago, and I completely butchered my confession towards a girl I really hold dear to. I don't think she took it as a confession. I have no clue. I feel really down from that. I knew something terrible was going to happen. Everything has been going my way for a while. It was a long calm, but now the start of the storm is here. I was totally unprepared because it came out of nowhere. I get sad easily, and I get irritated easily. It is only a matter time I would blow up again.
I want to lie down in my bed and cry. I think that's all I needed. I really hate my self-image, I feel mentally overworked, and I turned my love life into more of a joke than it used to be. But what can you do when most of your emotions are downgraded due to medicine and therapy? I literally feel trapped.
But I can overcome this...
