I've come a long way from where I began.
We all have in some way, shape, or form.
However, I often wonder if I am the only one out there that craves something invisible. A life I've never lived, friends I never had, money I've never made.
I'm twenty years old. I have my whole life ahead of me, just waiting to be executed in wonderful ways. Regardless of opportunity, I have a deep fear of not living my life how it was meant to be lived.
For a long time I couldn't wait to move far away from home. New York, Florida, California... places I dreamed of spending my days. I wanted so badly to get out of Shithole, USA; to live in a place with more opportunity, more jobs, and more things to do.
Whether or not a life out of my hometown is meant for me has yet to be determined. I'm incredibly blessed for what my town does offer me, though. I'm receiving a quality education, I have a job, I have a great family and wonderful boyfriend. I know that I am not hopeless.
I never was.
Unfortunately I can't seem to let go of the idea that I am missing out on something. I don't know what that "something" could be.
Perhaps it's just me comparing my life to those around me, or reading too much into my feelings, or feeling too alone.
I can't help but think that I'm not living up to my full potential. Perhaps I chose the wrong major. Maybe I'm just not meant for anything else. Of course all of that is bullshit, but it does enter my mind from time to time.
It's tough for me to see kids my age going out, traveling, and having fun. I try to make friends and they don't come as easy as everyone makes it seem. Everyone I was once friends with is living their own life now; and I guess I have to, too.
Maybe none of this makes any sense. Maybe nobody has any idea what I'm talking about. I mean surely, you can't miss something that was never there.
Or can you?
The anxiety that constantly gnaws at my being is what really sets the feeling in stone. Maybe it's not me really missing anything at all, but rather me missing life before turmoil. That seems a bit melodramatic, but I wouldn't wish the incessant poking and prodding towards my mind on my worst enemy. If normal was a thing, I want to be it.
But normal isn't a thing, life isn't a fairytale, and everything will go on.
It always does.